The 10 week Sex Panther Body Transformation.

Its going to happen. Im finally going to do it.  Transform my body into a lean mean sex panther machine.  Im writing this while constantly fixing typos because right now its just me in my room and my brother and some chick alone in his room and I cant stop laughing my balls off because of the situation.  Anyway, for the past 4 years or so ive had the size but not the real ripped body to go along with it.  The last time i was ripped was in 03' and thats way to long ago.  The reason I had motivation then was because my life was finally coming together, and now the motivation is here again because my alter ego 'Bill Overlode', who's mainly my stand up comedy stage persona has to be in insanely awesome shape.  Couple that drive to get myself into character with the knowledge and a know-it-all game plan and its going to happen.  This is gunna be the summer where I blow up/really focus on touring.

The 'Sex Panther' body transformation.....it works 60% of the time, all the time.

Diet - first two weeks to kickstart the process, protein shake for breakfast and lunch, and grilled meat with salad for dinner.  Drink at least a gallon of water a day, while also taking in 2 tablespoons of apple cidar vinegar twice a day to neutralize the triglycerides in my bloodstread after heavy cardio.  After two weeks add in 2 smaller meals along with 2 protein shakes daily totaling 5 small meals a day.  MHP 12 hour glutamine after gym before bed every day to prevent catabolism at all costs while cutting.

Workout - Monday/chest/Abs Tuesday/Back Wednesday/Tris Thursday/Bis/Abs Friday/Shoulders/Legs

Weekend - As an incentive to stay on track starting friday night after 8 I can put anything into my stomach/lungs/nose and this goes on until Sunday night.

Cardio - At least 4 miles 5 days a week and/or 45 minute incline walk.

GOAL WEIGHT - RIPPED @190lbs OR LOWER.

EVERYTHING WILL BE LOGGED ON A WEEKLY BASIS AND PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY.......EVERYTHING......IF I FUCK UP YOU WILL KNOW AND YOU WILL MAKE FUN OF ME FOR IT.

Weigh ins every friday.....pictures every other friday starting friday week 2.

So now I should take some time to explain my persona/alter ego......Mr. William Overlode.

Bill Overlode -  hmmmmm, the easiest way to describe him is an ignorant jacked shallow consuming media whore patriotic Axl Rose on crack, who really just doesnt understand women and overcompensates by talking himself up, making obscene comments that he thinks win women over but in reality drive them away.  He thinks its normal for women that he sleeps with to cry after sex.  One of his/my stand up jokes go as follows "You know like one outta every five times i jerk off, as im about to climax ill say something like 'im soooooo glad im not gay' and smile as im cumming.  Not that I have anything against faggots, but im just glad that i love women."He represents the general ignorance that most American's have towards people who are different, and hes too dumb to realize when he's sexist or racist, his most important asset is image.  In fact I might just get a tattoo across my chest like my friend just got.  His says 'Handsome Devil' and mines gunna say 'Cunt Destroyer', cuz I can always write it off as being part of my character.  Just as Eminem has Slim Shady, Justin Ramsey will have Bill Overlode.  At the conclusion of the Sex Panther body transformation, im getting both ears pierced, the top part of my left ear, my left eyebrow and my left nipple BOTH NIPNIPS.  I cannot fucking wait. 

For those wondering about 'Confessions of a Guido Episode 4,' this is also gunna be filmed at the conclusion of the Sex Panther body transformation because it also entails my character to be in sick shape,and lots of piercings LOL.

The bottom line is if this works, not only hoping my career will truly begin, but i got that entrepreneur spirit so hopefully I can market my diet and sell it as one of those shitty google ads, but instead of taking your money and not working, it will really actually work.

                                                         
                                                                     ORDERED.

                                                                        ORDERED. 

                                                                           WTF.

All girls in the world should be hot girls

I've been going to the gym for a good 7 years now, and since that time I've heard my fair share of one liners.  One must understand that I cannot make this shit up.  Here's a collection of the ones that were good enough to stick in my head all these years.  Enjoy.

- "Up UP! UP!!!!! NOT DOWN!"

- "FRANK? FRANK!!!!!!!" "Yea boss?" "SPOT THE SHIT OUTTA ME ARGGGGHHHH!"

- As motivation to the dude a kid was spotting during bench press, "YOUR PARENTS GOT DIVORCED BECAUSE OF YOU!"

-Gay guy bothering a friend by asking him questions while he was lifting heavy weight, "IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE QUESTION IM GUNNA SUCK YOUR DICK!"

-"Ya think midgets have souls bro?"

-"All girls in the world should be hot girls"

-Black guy motivating another black guy, "Fuck dat dumbell's pussy"

-"Yo always get them treadmills in tha back of tha gym, that way u can see all dem fine asses and shit"

-"I heard if you snort protein shake powder it gets into your bloodstream faster"

-Roided out dude setting massive amount of weight on bench press and said this every rep he did, and he was doing reps extremely fast, "ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit"

-"Sick tan, nice bicep pump, awesome haircut, its friday night im feeling so good bro ima make sure my pussy gets pussy tonight"

-"My ipod died and now i have no motivation"

-"I only signed up for the gym for free pizza night every first tuesday of the month"

-"A 24 HOUR GYM? THATS 24 HOUR-LICIOUS!"


ill post more as they come to me

You ask, I answer.

Yesterday I asked a friend of mine to compile a series of random questions for me to answer, or not.
Now I could go about this by answering these questions by actually giving the correct answer, but what fun is that?

If vegetables have no fat, why is vegetable oil all fat?

 

All vegetables signed the Vegetable Treaty Act of 1782 because right after the first Thanksgiving dinner with Pocahontas and the Indians there was a collective disdain for being consumed.  Plus they felt like turkey was the centerpiece to that event and got all the credit; which leads me to my next point.  All vegetables are the sidekick to a form of meat during dinner.  What does meat have? Fat.  So to give you a clue as to why all vegetables have agreed to turn into fat when they die, it is to give them a sense of higher function, in that maybe one day their remains will be recognized in death for the importance they truly deserve but never obtained in life.

  My hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"... I need to go to work; can I ever stop? 

Unless there's a coda or an exclusive 'order of operations' that I'm not aware of in the shampoo world, the 'repeat' should be treated as a linear function, in that you should execute the 'repeat' and then move forward.  Moving on.


How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?

Dave Grohl's ipod.


You are shrunk to the height of a nickel and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?

Well first and foremost I would assume that this would only happen in a different parallel universe where the laws of physics would be completely unique to said universe.  The laws of this universe say that if its possible to reduce one's size to a nickel from the average human size, than that whatever song you have stuck in your head, the lyrics come into fruition in real life.  I don't know why, but this law is only exclusive to this specific universe.  Its actually kind of cool if you think about it.  Ok so I'm in the blender and I know that in 60 seconds I'm fucked, so then in order to maybe get out alive I'll get Justin Timberlake's 'Cry Me a River' stuck in my head, and then I'll start crying a literal river, the blender will fill up with water (or tears?), and I will swim to the top and get out safely.  OH THEN ILL GET R. KELLY'S 'I BELIEVE I CAN FLY' STUCK IN MY HEAD SO I COULD THEN FLY TO A SONIC BURGER BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE ANY BY WHERE I LIVE LOL.


Do you have a preference on the religious rearing of children?

I personally think organized religion is a way to control the masses, but at the same time everyone is entitled to their own belief system.  I wouldn't raise my child with any specific religion in mind, what I would do is give him or her a variety of different religious literature, meaning monotheistic, polytheistic, agnostic, and atheist, and let them know that these are all plausible possibilities but as humans we don't have the mental capacity in knowing any true answer.  Then I would show him Star Wars and tell him that it is the closest thing to a true religion that's out there. 

Treading the Fine Line.....

This is gunna be my first actual post where I say whatever comes to mind.

I want to clarify to anyone who is wondering; I am not sad, not even remotely.  In fact I probably am one of the most optimistic people you will ever come across because throughout years of living in a depression, I came out the other side, and I know what I need to do in my life to stay this way.  One of my favorite quotes is "keep your head in the clouds, keep your feet on the ground" which means that in order to be truly successful, insightful, and happy in this journey we call life, you must let your imagination float into uncharted territories while keeping your foundation strong and solid.  It was only when I hit rock bottom at around 21 years old that I realized that the only way I would have a fulfilling life was to do what it is that makes me happy; and that is being the true definition of being human.  So many people lead the generic 'cog in the machine' life where they work for 40 some odd years doing the same routine over and over again while they surround themselves with the false security of a home, a spouse, kids and so forth.  I realized at a young age that this 'American Dream' was merely a facade to keep the masses of generic people productive while the enlightened and elite reaped the rewards of watching these sheep function like a broken record; all while laughing at how pathetic their existence really is.  Going back to hitting rock bottom, I knew in college I was faced with eventually leaving this bubbled reality and coming back to 'find a career' and pretend that everything was gunna be ok.  The truth is, 95% of people accept this reality without question because in their minds its to only way to live comfortably; but it couldn't be farther from the truth. If you have particular skills and are a forward thinking person, then you eventually realize that it is possible to lead the a life that humans were meant to live; not even being a choice, its the ONLY way to live once you reach this epiphany.  Spontaneity, wit, analysis, and constant self-observation are all traits of the type of people who pave their own path towards success.  Ok now REALLY going back to hitting rock bottom.  I was depressed while away at college for a number of years for a number of reasons that I really don't want to discuss now.  The reality that I mentioned before of having to work for some boss who was essentially laughing at me for being subservient without question for 40 plus years was something that I couldn't live with as an enlightened human; I would rather die, than give someone else control of my destiny.  I knew that I had the choice of killing myself or doing something with my life that was truly meaningful.  After years of essentially cutting myself off from most types of human contact to 'find myself' I decided that suicide was the most pathetic thing I could have done.  I knew that I was very intelligent and creative and that with determination and persistence I could do anything I wanted.  I decided at that time that I was going to start my own college poster business, produce music, and a few years later do stand-up comedy, because as a very observant person, I knew what 'sounded good', this being hard to say because I don't want to come across as arrogant, but getting a feel for how people react towards certain things and being my own objective 'devil's advocate' of sorts, I really started to understand deeper human emotion and what people like.  They say that the most successful celebrities/musicians/athletes know they're going to make it before they actually do, and i've felt this way since I was 18 years old.  Regarding the whole big picture of my life, I know that patience is a virtue and that when the planets are aligned I (we) will sneak into the collective subconscious of American culture and release all of my (our) material onto the world in a blaze of glory.  I know there are so many minute details im leaving out but this is basically the general idea of how I got to where I am now in my life/where I'm going. 

Moving on, I really have to start accepting the fact that I cannot change certain people, and that regardless of how much I try to instill a sense of 'truth in enlightenment', some people just weren't meant to think on a higher plane.  I really do feel extremely lucky though because a select number of my best friends have the same mentality that I do, and that as a collective force we will be unstoppable; again, patience.  This whole catharsis of sorts is literally just the tip of the iceberg of my personality, and if you want to peer into my soul to get a deeper understanding of your own, just ask.  Like I said I really am a peaceful and understanding person, and that most of us are capable in utilizing the power of higher thinking in doing whatever we feel like.  For example, last week the thought randomly popped into my head to run 40 miles.  I've crossed the peak of personal limitations in my head and this means that I will not back down from any challenge that I don't think will hurt me or anyone else.  Think about it this way, our whole existence is literally a flash in the grand scheme of the universe; 80 or so years humans live to while everything that surrounds us has been around for billions.  In context, that's not even a wink, its a fraction of a fraction of a wink.  So thinking about it logically, why not do ANYTHING you set your mind to knowing that, not to sound cynical, most of us will not be remembered a few generations after we die.  I am only 24 years old, but when given the right resources, I could work on personal projects up until I was 40 and be remembered for centuries and maybe longer, because the creative mind uses the knowledge of today to pave a path for the trends of tomorrow.

The bottom line is that you cannot think in terms of black and white, life is essentially one big gray area.  To really understand what I mean by this, watch the HBO show 'The Wire', where it portrays criminals as being justified, cops as being worse than the criminals, but it goes so much deeper.  Anything worthwhile isn't easy, but anything easy is only worthwhile for a short period of time.  Another fundamental lesson I learned in life is that the more you put into something, the more you will get out; hence the basis for Karma.  Love can be infinite if both people realize it can, but at the same time love can numb you to everything else.  Think about love this way; it's one of those circles in those diagrams we used to make in science class.  It should be a circle that balances out the rest of your life, but it shouldn't be in the center.  This brings me to my next point; balance.  Doing anything in excess isn't good, even eating apples.  Once you figure out how to use balance in an every day type context, life will flow so much more smoothly.  For whatever reason my brain is kinda shot, normally I would use a really witty example of what i'm trying to say but I just can't right now.  But im sure you get the big picture.  Ladies, if you want to go on a 'date' or whatever you find interesting, don't hesitate to ask, my entire facebook existence is a satire of myself and I don't take it seriously, neither should you.  I can honestly say that I'm one of the most down to earth people you will ever meet, and even though it seems like I'm losing my mind on a daily basis, its all just part of a big picture that will someday be brought into the spotlight.  I'm not going to lose sleep if you don't want to, but know that if you do I can easily make your life 100 times more enjoyable. If I tell you that I really want to hangout with you, you better believe I mean it, I have no reason to bullshit because with or without you I'm going to be happy and eventually famous.  Again, not trying to sound arrogant here lol.  Wow I sound like a Match.com ad right now.  Which brings me to my next point.

I don't think I could ever join an online dating site.  For one, I think dates are extremely generic; there are a million different things you could do with a girl besides dinner and/or a film(movie).  The reason I personally would never join an online dating site is because it feels like your going shopping for a person.  If I know your name and interests before I meet you, that takes away the excitement like what's good.  It goes back to the whole theory that everyone you meet in your life serves a purpose, if I meet you IN REAL LIFE it feels so much more genuine if somewhere down the line we realize we are 'compatible' and we 'go out.' Plus there isn't the excitement of quick scrutiny that everyone does but no one admits when you first meet a person of the opposite sex.  You know what I mean, you meet a new girl, and this goes through every guys mind whether they admit it or not, ''Oh shes got awesome eyes BUT HER BOOBS ARE KINDA SMALL BUT OH WAIT SHES GOT NICE LIPS LOOK AT HER HAIR ITS SO SMOOTH OH WAIT BUT SHES BLOND I DONT LIKE BLONDS BUT MAYBE I DO LIKE BLONDS AND OH SHIT LOOK AT HER BUTT HAHA LEMME TALK TO HER BUT WAIT ILL PLAY IT COOL ILL TALK TO HER IN AN HOUR SO SHE THINKS I DONT LIKE HER BUT I DO BUT BY NOT TALKING TO HER IMMEDIATELY SHE'LL WANT ME MORE." I personally try not to do this flash analysis myself because personality (along with looks of course =) ) is my biggest turn on, but lets face it, we all do the flash analysis when a new person comes into our lives.  The whole online dating thing feels so contrived, and honestly, if you can't meet people IRL and have to 'find' someone online that would work for you, then you have bigger problems. 


Holy shit its almost 2:00 and I aint even tired, oh well, time to read this book about aliens 8). 

Pet Peeves; A List.

I should begin by saying that I am a very peaceful person.  Sure, if I need to 'take care of business', in whatever context you want to assume that it means, then I have no problem 'stepping up to the plate.'  But yea, there are very few things that get under my skin, and the collective list of these items has dwindled over the years because as I grow older I try not to let certain things bother me.  So to put it in perspective, you have to understand that as hard as ive tried to accept and justify why these things shouldnt bother me, they still do.....alot.

In no particular order of importance:

1.  Red lights without sensors - I read somewhere that the average person spends about 6 months of their entire life sitting at red lights.  The funny thing is, this isnt the reason why they bother me.  The real reason is because half of the time when im sitting at a red light whilst the perpendicular lights are green, there are no vehicles utilizing said green lights.  It truly is the epitome of a lose-lose situation; I'm literally sacrificing grains of sand in the hourglass of my life while NOTHING happens.  Even if a fucking possum or opposum or however the fuck you spell that creature's name was crossing along with the green light, I wouldnt feel as bad, but now money to pay for the electricity to power these lights is going to waste because nothing is getting accomplished, all while my life is fading away.  Its almost like high fiving a ghost; good effort, but you're still not gunna make skin to skin contact with it. 

2.  That stupid jingle at the end of those 'metro pcs' commercials - Every time I hear that fucking robot go "HELLO HeLlO hello" (that's how I type descending downward inflections) in his stupid monotone robot voice, i'm tempted to shoplift a Chinese kid.  That jingle gets so DEEPLY under my skin, if moods were ranked on a scale of 1-10, and im typically somewhere around a 7 most of the time, then having to sit through those 5 seconds of brain circumcision drives me down to about a 3 for about half an hour until I hear Boston or some other worthy classic rock band on the radio that resets my state-of-mind.  It really bothers me that there is a marketing team out there that thinks that this is ok.  Its not.  It really isnt.  I hate you robot.

3.  Old ladies that don't pre-cut their coupons or pre-count their change at grocery store lines - File this one under 'waste of time' also.  I mean come on, what do old ladies do most of their day? They look at coupon books in the newspaper while simultaneously keeping basic cable channels drone obnoxiously loud in the background.  Oh, and they also plan on what they're going to make for dinner a week and a half in advance.  Listen, I love old ladies, but come on now, its time to get your shit together.  Rather than take the trek to King Kullen that's literally half a mile away without preparing your coupons or counting your pennies, why don't you upgrade your priorities by just a tad, and have these things ready to go once all your items are rang up?  I'm right behind you on line, fidgeting with my 20 gallons of water that I purchase weekly, and Im meticulously eye-fucking your not-so-perfectly cut coupons because I just want to get home and play with my digimon cards.  That's all I want to do old ladies.  But your incompetent and nonchalant attitude that everything moves gracefully at a snail's pace doesn't work for the rest of us.  Sorry! =(


4. Rogue erections - You wanna know how I know that if there is a god that he has a sense of humor?  Because only then would he bless me with 'gifts' when it isnt even my birthday or christmas. Like ok, it takes me a good 15 minutes to get into that badass-biker-gang-member mentality mode prior to embarking on my daily trip to the gym to get myself through another ridiculous workout or crazy long run.  But no, right as im pulling into the gym parking lot for whatever reason ill start getting a hard-on and its literally so frustrating that i start punching the windshield.  Nothing kills the warrior mindset like knowing that you're going to have to wait an extra 3 minutes while also having a slide-show of pre-made 'boner killer' thoughts ready to flood your mind; Will Ferrell telling you you're gay, changing Fidel Castro's diaper on an airplane, imaging your best friend sleeping with the girl you like, a chair in front of a green screen (idk why but it works), anything Food Channel, Renee Zellwigger, etc.....you get the point.   

5. Contemporary pop music - The gym I work at plays all pop music, and for someone who rarely if ever listens to it without being forced to, it makes me despise it even more.  I know im preaching to the choir here, but does literally EVERY single song have to be derivative of another and have to be about some form of love, break-ups, and/or sex?  I know that somewhere/sometime in a record executive meeting these words were spoken....."wait a second, every human has something in common; human-to-human relationships! so if we manufacture songs about sex, relationships, or break-ups, then EVERYONE can relate to it!.....and we will sell even MORE records!"  It really disappoints me when someone I respect tells me they like pop music who's over the age of 18, because its so blatantly obvious that its not even music, its just a product, and that it doesn't take much analysis to realize this.  The fact that I have this garbage pumped into my ears for 8-10 hours at a time really burns my biscuits.

im going to constantly update this with more items as i think of them so check back often.

Just Let Go.

In the past five days, this perpetually hungover, dehydrated, tobacco-corroded lunged bastard ran the distance equivalent of slightly less than two marathons.

Once you have the ability to transcend mind from body, you realize pain is merely an illusion.

 

Impossible means absolutely nothing.

Poker Face

So if youve been following along with these anecdotes then you know i just got a new awesome job.  My job is so awesome in fact that I have alot of down time because it doesnt have a large customer base yet, being that all the customers are gym members in a brand new gym and no one else.  When your brain is revving on 12 cylinders 24/7 youre constantly planning/analyzing/comprehending the future from all angles.  Being we hadnt had a customer in a good 15 minutes I decided to sit down and try to dig up some college stories for the show were writing from the recesses of my brain.  The one that came to mind to me today is when during our last year of college, I was watching the 'Poker Face' video because my room mate told me that Lady Gaga was 'hot' and that 'he was going to fuck her in a couple of years when he was famous.'  Now, the whole predicament with Lady Gaga is that she isnt 'love at first sight' good looking, but when you understand her genius then she becomes very good looking.  Yes, I just said Lady Gaga is a genius. Its apparent that every career move she does is very premeditated, calculated, and foremost, her lyrics have a sense of ambiguity when it comes to their meanings.  Rather than being the stereotypical pop star that only drives the point home that she wants to fuck every guy that walks in her lyrics, different people deduce different meanings in all of her songs.  The bottom line is I could spend 3 hours talking about why I respect her as an artist and a musician, but as always I have a completely fucked up and reprehensible story to tell.


So anyway going back to what my room mate said about Lady Gaga in my daydream, it gave me an ingenious idea, and from this point on I will tell it in terms of what I plan on doing.....

The following will be filmed and broadcasted summer 2011:  My college friends on occasion like to go to cougar bars, and im sure we all know what a cougar is.  The next time I hear about and get invited to go 'cougar hunting' I will probably say no, as ive done every last time ive been asked.  The reasons I turn these invites down is another topic for another day lol.  Anyway I will get all the details; the time/day/bar and then I will be there with them......not as one of the bros, but as a cougar.......=o? Just let me finish.  Ok so im sure youve all seen Mrs. Doubtfire, so you know the scene where Robin Williams gets turned into an old lady by that gay guy.  I plan on finding that guy, you know the same gay guy from 'Independence Day' who says on the phone in the movie something like "I pay $300 dollars an hour so you can put me through to my psychiatrist!" with a lisp in a fit of gay-rage.  So im gunna find this guy, im gunna have him turn me into a MILF cougar, and im gunna be there the night my friends plan on going.  Now, I got the cougar voice down perfectly, once I find the perfect BLOND wig and let that gay dude put on my makeup the way most gay makeup artists do, I have no doubt that I will be one of the sexiest cougars you will ever see.  I even think I would look something like Lady Gaga (idk I just think I would honestly).  I would make for one broad-shouldered broad, but knowing my friends this would not make an iota of difference, in fact I think I could pinpoint the one friend who would try to hit on me first.  So as this friend comes over and buys me a drink, Ill start saying some seductive shit to him, and the natural progression of past cougar nights from what Ive heard is the ending up with the bangage of these cougars in said cougar's Altima, or whatever small size sedan she's driving.  So the plan is to have him ask me to go into his car; I cant ask him to go into mine because my friends obviously know what my fucking car looks like lol.  When we get into his car, I will take out 'The Fame' cd and put it in, and select 'Poker Face' to come on, so as the songs playing and my friend is about to make a move on me, I will take off my wig and my makeup, and while hes staring at me in utmost repugnance and perturbation, im going to say "you sick.......sick fuck......", get out of the car and go home; knowing that I have this motherfucker in perpetual blackmail for the rest of my life.