"Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
I'm gonna kick my feet up then stare at the fan
Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants
Nobody's gon' tell me I can't
I'll be lounging on the couch just chilling in my Snuggie
Click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie
'Cause in my castle I'm the freaking man
Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all, nothing at all
Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Find a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out
This is great
(Oh my god, this is great)
Yeah, I might mess around
And get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry pops, you'll just have to wait
Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
No, I ain't gonna comb my hair
'Cause I ain't going anywhere
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
I'll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all"
Jesus Christ on a motorcycle; I am INSPIRED. I think the first thing im going to do is deliver a baby while skydiving, because after listening to this song I now realize that I have the power inside of me to accomplish whatever it is I set my mind to. No seriously, this man must have locked himself inside of a room and fermented his feelings to be released in a geyser of introspective greatness for all the world to hear. I have done alot of things in my life, listened to alot of great music in many diverse styles, but Ive never come across a song that has essentially planted a happy seed at the core of my soul that is constantly emanating rays of pure ecstasy. Holy shit, I am so happy right now. I am so happy because of this song that I wish I could have sex with the year 1994, because that was a great year. Wow =).......a text smiley is merely the first step in expressing the pure joy achieved by knowing that this song exists and that people all over the world are realizing the lyrical genius that Mr. Mars possesses. With every keystroke I feel as if my fingers are transferring pure unadulterated bliss from my body to this text for your eyes to see and marvel at the fact that a single man has put together words in such a way that now, because of this song, world hunger is probably going to be solved. Lets analyze this lyrical astuteness:
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
Weeeeeeeee hahahahaha! I am feeling so rebellious right now that these words are making me want to have breakfast at midnight. Holy uppercutting-a-gooses-vagina, this chorus is perfection. This means that if there is a God, this chorus is it. So those of you who are reading this, if you want to go to heaven, print out a piece of paper with these lyrics on them and start worshiping it, that is if the piece of paper doesnt first turn into a dove and fly directly into your heart.
We can see that he doesnt want to do anything on this particular day. Maybe he had a long week. Maybe his car broke down and he canceled all of his plans. Or maybe he is just tired. If you need to reach him, do not call his cell phone, because we can see that if you do decide to call him, that it will ring a few times and you will have to leave a message once his voice mail comes on. Wait; maybe he will press the 'ignore' button and his phone will ring one and a half times before it reaches voice mail?! This open ended lyric shows you that Bruno is leaving it up to the listener to decipher how many times his phone will ring before it achieves voice mail status. Pure FUCKING genius. After you do leave your message, however, you should know that he still will not be doing anything for the remainder of the day.
I'm gonna kick my feet up then stare at the fan
Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants
Nobody's gon' tell me I can't
To the keen observer, it can be assumed that the fan is switched 'on' when he decides to start staring at it, for why would anyone want to look at a fan that isnt turning? With this information, we can assume that it is hot in his particular location. Also, we can see that he is kicking up his feet, turning on the tv, and putting his hand down his pants; perhaps he is going to masturbate? As a listener, this is information that we have to decide on our own if it is true, and assuming it is, we now know that he is staring at his fan while jerking-off, something that I personally have yet to accomplish. Lastly, we can see that he is alone at his place of residence because he says that no one can tell him that he cannot do what he wants to do on this day. What a true badass we have on our hands.
I'll be lounging on the couch just chilling in my Snuggie
Click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie
'Cause in my castle I'm the freaking man
So now we know at this juncture in the song that he has his hand down his pants while wearing a snuggie while sitting on the couch masturbating while looking at the fan. We can also see that he is audibly learning how to 'dougie' because his eyes arent fixed on the television, and that above all, he is the freaking man while doing so.
Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can
He said it! And you best believe hes doing it!
Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Find a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out
This is great
(Oh my god, this is great)
Fuckin' a. Hes aware that his laziness will have repercussions, and that tomorrow he will have to make up for it by doing some P90x. We can also confirm that he is home alone masturbating because he states that along with working out tomorrow, he is going to have some really nice sex with a girl. His confidence is portrayed at this point because he knows that said female is going to enjoy the experience, for she is going to scream out, and I quote "this is great."
Yeah, I might mess around
And get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry pops, you'll just have to wait
So it turns out Bruno really is a badass. Our prior assumptions can be confirmed at this point in the song because we find out that not only does he not have his college degree, but he is going against the better judgment of his father. Sorry pops, youre just gunna have to wait! hehe 8)
No, I ain't gonna comb my hair
'Cause I ain't going anywhere
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
No no no no no no no no no no no he isnt going anywhere today, so whats the use of combing his hair? No one is gunna see him, right?
I'll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
He is naked. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The worst dream ever, ever.
So it isnt often that I get scared shitless. It really takes something that isnt from this world to faze me. Let me begin. There are alot of characters that go to the gym I work at; tattoos, steroids, mommy issues, low self esteem, inflated self esteem, you name it, Ive seen in there. There is this one character in particular that I cant quite put my finger on, and human emotion works in such a way that what we cant understand, we fear. Logically speaking, I do not fear alot of things because I generally understand how people think, the reasons behind the things they do, and their motives for doing such. This one fellow however, I have no fucking idea whats going thru his mind. He is red. Yup, the color of his skin tone is red, and no he isnt Native American. He has tattoos all over his body and he wears a skullcap and a hoodie with the hood covering his hat at all times. He has a goatee that is formed so perfectly he must be using some sort of cookie cutting device. The same holds true for his eye brows, as they are so precisely waxed that there is no way that this being is from this planet. I wouldnt be surprised if his name was Ron, because I never met a 'Ron' that didnt scare the shit outta me. So logically speaking, the only way he could possibly exist is if he got sucked into a black hole from a parallel universe from a galaxy with a solar system that had a planet shaped like a giant clown cunt, and a sun that emitted "I wanna rock" by Twisted Sister on repeat via radio waves instead of light, and that he somehow exited this black hole from a worm hole that ended in our universe, and some how he found his way to our planet. When this fucking dude comes in the gym, I cannot look him in the eyes, because im afraid that if I show the slightest inclination of a smirk, or on the contrary, the slightest sign of intimidation, that he would jump over the counter and consume my soul.
Heres where things get really fucked up. Last night I consumed about 2,000 calories worth of fast food because im on a strict diet during the week, and ive found that by raising your calorie count during the weekends you burn more during the week when you consume less calories. If you know whats inside fast food you know that its bombarded with a substance called MSG, or Monosodium Glutamate, or as I like to call it, the devil's spice. I call it this because any time I eat something with a high level of this chemical I start feeling really off and my thought process becomes off kilter. Not only did I consume such a high amount of this shitty food, but I also consumed a 12 pack of miller lite, and the combination of the msg, alcohol, and the extremely high sodium content from the food made me dehydrated. Now lets think about the concept of dehydration; all life started in the ocean, and our bodies are made up of 60% water, therefore logically it would bring us closer to death-like state when our bodies are lacking a sufficient amount of H20.
So im passed the fuck out, and I start having crazy dreams. I dont remember the first few, but then it came. And did it come alright. Heres how it went: Im in a room in a house that im not familiar with, and there is a naked chick on the bed, so as anyone would do I went over to her and made sure she was alright, and we started talking, and as things started to get interesting there was an abrupt crashing sound that was the door being broken down; it was that fucking dude from the gym. For whatever reason, the physics of this particular dream were that of a shitty NES game and the next 'scene' was me in the street while this guy was coming over to me and attempting to grab me, and the next thing i knew i was in the backseat of a car that my dad was driving and the fucking dude was chasing us like in "Terminator 2", but this fucking guy was running twice as fast as T-1000. So as hes chasing us theres a general feeling of extreme discomfort coursing through my head as if my conscious was trying to tell my subconscious something really bad is going to happen. So the next thing I know is the guy is now in a pick up truck following us, and at this point in the dream I take out my cell phone and call the cops. This is all happening while the dude starts launching potatoes at us with a potato launcher. After going around the block a few times and gradually feeling shittier and shittier, we finally see the cops along the side of a building we passed making a crime scene for reasons im unsure of. Now heres where things get REALLY fucked up, as soon as the dude sees the cops, he takes out a machine gun and starts killing them all, and it was so realistic that I felt a true evil presence in my dream. If you ever felt a true evil presence, its like having part of your soul sucked into a void, it really is one of the scariest feelings ive ever came across. Its the type of shit that makes you wanna do a shitload of good deeds the next day. So as im in the middle of this killing frenzy, the guy finally shoots my dad and kills him, and the dream ends where he puts the gun in my mouth, but not before looking me square in the eyes.
When I say that I woke up scared out of my fucking mind......I woke up covered in sweat and I then proceeded to chug half a gallon of water, but now every time I go to work and that guy comes in, im going to shit my fucking pants.
Heres where things get really fucked up. Last night I consumed about 2,000 calories worth of fast food because im on a strict diet during the week, and ive found that by raising your calorie count during the weekends you burn more during the week when you consume less calories. If you know whats inside fast food you know that its bombarded with a substance called MSG, or Monosodium Glutamate, or as I like to call it, the devil's spice. I call it this because any time I eat something with a high level of this chemical I start feeling really off and my thought process becomes off kilter. Not only did I consume such a high amount of this shitty food, but I also consumed a 12 pack of miller lite, and the combination of the msg, alcohol, and the extremely high sodium content from the food made me dehydrated. Now lets think about the concept of dehydration; all life started in the ocean, and our bodies are made up of 60% water, therefore logically it would bring us closer to death-like state when our bodies are lacking a sufficient amount of H20.
So im passed the fuck out, and I start having crazy dreams. I dont remember the first few, but then it came. And did it come alright. Heres how it went: Im in a room in a house that im not familiar with, and there is a naked chick on the bed, so as anyone would do I went over to her and made sure she was alright, and we started talking, and as things started to get interesting there was an abrupt crashing sound that was the door being broken down; it was that fucking dude from the gym. For whatever reason, the physics of this particular dream were that of a shitty NES game and the next 'scene' was me in the street while this guy was coming over to me and attempting to grab me, and the next thing i knew i was in the backseat of a car that my dad was driving and the fucking dude was chasing us like in "Terminator 2", but this fucking guy was running twice as fast as T-1000. So as hes chasing us theres a general feeling of extreme discomfort coursing through my head as if my conscious was trying to tell my subconscious something really bad is going to happen. So the next thing I know is the guy is now in a pick up truck following us, and at this point in the dream I take out my cell phone and call the cops. This is all happening while the dude starts launching potatoes at us with a potato launcher. After going around the block a few times and gradually feeling shittier and shittier, we finally see the cops along the side of a building we passed making a crime scene for reasons im unsure of. Now heres where things get REALLY fucked up, as soon as the dude sees the cops, he takes out a machine gun and starts killing them all, and it was so realistic that I felt a true evil presence in my dream. If you ever felt a true evil presence, its like having part of your soul sucked into a void, it really is one of the scariest feelings ive ever came across. Its the type of shit that makes you wanna do a shitload of good deeds the next day. So as im in the middle of this killing frenzy, the guy finally shoots my dad and kills him, and the dream ends where he puts the gun in my mouth, but not before looking me square in the eyes.
When I say that I woke up scared out of my fucking mind......I woke up covered in sweat and I then proceeded to chug half a gallon of water, but now every time I go to work and that guy comes in, im going to shit my fucking pants.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Body Transformation, week 1.
Monday - Chest
Cardio - 3 miles; 2 straight running 1 HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training)
Breakfast - Protein shake
Lunch - Protein shake
Dinner - Grilled chicken and carrots
Before bed - Glutamine w orange juice and some green tea
Highlight - Getting pit tickets to Rammstein
General disposition - feeling pretty cynical
Tuesday - Back/bis
Cardio am - 3 miles, 2 running/1 HIIT
Breakfast - Shake
Lunch - Shake
Dinner - Grilled chicken
Highlight - Almost shit my pants at the gym
General Disposition - Dark cloud still overhead, but spring is near
Wednesday - Tri's
Cardio morning - 3 miles, all HIIT
Breakfast - Shake
Lunch - Lean Pocket (they're not bad)
Dinner - 1/2 grilled chicken wrap
Highlight - definitely going to Long Beach by June the latest regardless of circumstances
Disposition - brain is starting to work properly again, slowly but surely
Thursday - Shoulders/abs
Cardio morning - 3 miles, HIIT
Cardio night - half hour elliptical, 15 min incline walk, 15 min stairmaster
Breakfast - Shake
Lunch - 3 pieces chicken
Dinner - more chicken
Highlight - not on my hair
Disposition -cool story bro
<3FUCKED UP TONIGHT MADE 10 CHICKEN NUGGETS AND HAD 3 CORONAS AT MIDNIGHT<3
Friday - Legs
Cardio - 2 miles, 10 minutes stairmaster
Breakfast - Shake
Lunch - Salad
Dinner - Kinda want something hot as fuck
Highlight - nothing stands out
Disposition - self doubts......
First weigh in - 218 lbs
Peace of mind is hopefully 9 weeks away......
Cardio - 3 miles; 2 straight running 1 HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training)
Breakfast - Protein shake
Lunch - Protein shake
Dinner - Grilled chicken and carrots
Before bed - Glutamine w orange juice and some green tea
Highlight - Getting pit tickets to Rammstein
General disposition - feeling pretty cynical
Tuesday - Back/bis
Cardio am - 3 miles, 2 running/1 HIIT
Breakfast - Shake
Lunch - Shake
Dinner - Grilled chicken
Highlight - Almost shit my pants at the gym
General Disposition - Dark cloud still overhead, but spring is near
Wednesday - Tri's
Cardio morning - 3 miles, all HIIT
Breakfast - Shake
Lunch - Lean Pocket (they're not bad)
Dinner - 1/2 grilled chicken wrap
Highlight - definitely going to Long Beach by June the latest regardless of circumstances
Disposition - brain is starting to work properly again, slowly but surely
Thursday - Shoulders/abs
Cardio morning - 3 miles, HIIT
Cardio night - half hour elliptical, 15 min incline walk, 15 min stairmaster
Breakfast - Shake
Lunch - 3 pieces chicken
Dinner - more chicken
Highlight - not on my hair
Disposition -cool story bro
<3FUCKED UP TONIGHT MADE 10 CHICKEN NUGGETS AND HAD 3 CORONAS AT MIDNIGHT<3
Friday - Legs
Cardio - 2 miles, 10 minutes stairmaster
Breakfast - Shake
Lunch - Salad
Dinner - Kinda want something hot as fuck
Highlight - nothing stands out
Disposition - self doubts......
First weigh in - 218 lbs
Peace of mind is hopefully 9 weeks away......
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The 10 week Sex Panther Body Transformation.
Its going to happen. Im finally going to do it. Transform my body into a lean mean sex panther machine. Im writing this while constantly fixing typos because right now its just me in my room and my brother and some chick alone in his room and I cant stop laughing my balls off because of the situation. Anyway, for the past 4 years or so ive had the size but not the real ripped body to go along with it. The last time i was ripped was in 03' and thats way to long ago. The reason I had motivation then was because my life was finally coming together, and now the motivation is here again because my alter ego 'Bill Overlode', who's mainly my stand up comedy stage persona has to be in insanely awesome shape. Couple that drive to get myself into character with the knowledge and a know-it-all game plan and its going to happen. This is gunna be the summer where I blow up/really focus on touring.
The 'Sex Panther' body transformation.....it works 60% of the time, all the time.
Diet - first two weeks to kickstart the process, protein shake for breakfast and lunch, and grilled meat with salad for dinner. Drink at least a gallon of water a day, while also taking in 2 tablespoons of apple cidar vinegar twice a day to neutralize the triglycerides in my bloodstread after heavy cardio. After two weeks add in 2 smaller meals along with 2 protein shakes daily totaling 5 small meals a day. MHP 12 hour glutamine after gym before bed every day to prevent catabolism at all costs while cutting.
Workout - Monday/chest/Abs Tuesday/Back Wednesday/Tris Thursday/Bis/Abs Friday/Shoulders/Legs
Weekend - As an incentive to stay on track starting friday night after 8 I can put anything into my stomach/lungs/nose and this goes on until Sunday night.
Cardio - At least 4 miles 5 days a week and/or 45 minute incline walk.
GOAL WEIGHT - RIPPED @190lbs OR LOWER.
EVERYTHING WILL BE LOGGED ON A WEEKLY BASIS AND PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY.......EVERYTHING......IF I FUCK UP YOU WILL KNOW AND YOU WILL MAKE FUN OF ME FOR IT.
Weigh ins every friday.....pictures every other friday starting friday week 2.
So now I should take some time to explain my persona/alter ego......Mr. William Overlode.
Bill Overlode - hmmmmm, the easiest way to describe him is an ignorant jacked shallow consuming media whore patriotic Axl Rose on crack, who really just doesnt understand women and overcompensates by talking himself up, making obscene comments that he thinks win women over but in reality drive them away. He thinks its normal for women that he sleeps with to cry after sex. One of his/my stand up jokes go as follows "You know like one outta every five times i jerk off, as im about to climax ill say something like 'im soooooo glad im not gay' and smile as im cumming. Not that I have anything against faggots, but im just glad that i love women."He represents the general ignorance that most American's have towards people who are different, and hes too dumb to realize when he's sexist or racist, his most important asset is image. In fact I might just get a tattoo across my chest like my friend just got. His says 'Handsome Devil' and mines gunna say 'Cunt Destroyer', cuz I can always write it off as being part of my character. Just as Eminem has Slim Shady, Justin Ramsey will have Bill Overlode. At the conclusion of the Sex Panther body transformation, im getting both ears pierced, the top part of my left ear, my left eyebrow and myleft nipple BOTH NIPNIPS. I cannot fucking wait.
For those wondering about 'Confessions of a Guido Episode 4,' this is also gunna be filmed at the conclusion of the Sex Panther body transformation because it also entails my character to be in sick shape,and lots of piercings LOL.
The bottom line is if this works, not only hoping my career will truly begin, but i got that entrepreneur spirit so hopefully I can market my diet and sell it as one of those shitty google ads, but instead of taking your money and not working, it will really actually work.
ORDERED.
ORDERED.
WTF.
The 'Sex Panther' body transformation.....it works 60% of the time, all the time.
Diet - first two weeks to kickstart the process, protein shake for breakfast and lunch, and grilled meat with salad for dinner. Drink at least a gallon of water a day, while also taking in 2 tablespoons of apple cidar vinegar twice a day to neutralize the triglycerides in my bloodstread after heavy cardio. After two weeks add in 2 smaller meals along with 2 protein shakes daily totaling 5 small meals a day. MHP 12 hour glutamine after gym before bed every day to prevent catabolism at all costs while cutting.
Workout - Monday/chest/Abs Tuesday/Back Wednesday/Tris Thursday/Bis/Abs Friday/Shoulders/Legs
Weekend - As an incentive to stay on track starting friday night after 8 I can put anything into my stomach/lungs/nose and this goes on until Sunday night.
Cardio - At least 4 miles 5 days a week and/or 45 minute incline walk.
GOAL WEIGHT - RIPPED @190lbs OR LOWER.
EVERYTHING WILL BE LOGGED ON A WEEKLY BASIS AND PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY.......EVERYTHING......IF I FUCK UP YOU WILL KNOW AND YOU WILL MAKE FUN OF ME FOR IT.
Weigh ins every friday.....pictures every other friday starting friday week 2.
So now I should take some time to explain my persona/alter ego......Mr. William Overlode.
Bill Overlode - hmmmmm, the easiest way to describe him is an ignorant jacked shallow consuming media whore patriotic Axl Rose on crack, who really just doesnt understand women and overcompensates by talking himself up, making obscene comments that he thinks win women over but in reality drive them away. He thinks its normal for women that he sleeps with to cry after sex. One of his/my stand up jokes go as follows "You know like one outta every five times i jerk off, as im about to climax ill say something like 'im soooooo glad im not gay' and smile as im cumming. Not that I have anything against faggots, but im just glad that i love women."He represents the general ignorance that most American's have towards people who are different, and hes too dumb to realize when he's sexist or racist, his most important asset is image. In fact I might just get a tattoo across my chest like my friend just got. His says 'Handsome Devil' and mines gunna say 'Cunt Destroyer', cuz I can always write it off as being part of my character. Just as Eminem has Slim Shady, Justin Ramsey will have Bill Overlode. At the conclusion of the Sex Panther body transformation, im getting both ears pierced, the top part of my left ear, my left eyebrow and my
For those wondering about 'Confessions of a Guido Episode 4,' this is also gunna be filmed at the conclusion of the Sex Panther body transformation because it also entails my character to be in sick shape,and lots of piercings LOL.
The bottom line is if this works, not only hoping my career will truly begin, but i got that entrepreneur spirit so hopefully I can market my diet and sell it as one of those shitty google ads, but instead of taking your money and not working, it will really actually work.
ORDERED.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
All girls in the world should be hot girls
I've been going to the gym for a good 7 years now, and since that time I've heard my fair share of one liners. One must understand that I cannot make this shit up. Here's a collection of the ones that were good enough to stick in my head all these years. Enjoy.
- "Up UP! UP!!!!! NOT DOWN!"
- "FRANK? FRANK!!!!!!!" "Yea boss?" "SPOT THE SHIT OUTTA ME ARGGGGHHHH!"
- As motivation to the dude a kid was spotting during bench press, "YOUR PARENTS GOT DIVORCED BECAUSE OF YOU!"
-Gay guy bothering a friend by asking him questions while he was lifting heavy weight, "IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE QUESTION IM GUNNA SUCK YOUR DICK!"
-"Ya think midgets have souls bro?"
-"All girls in the world should be hot girls"
-Black guy motivating another black guy, "Fuck dat dumbell's pussy"
-"Yo always get them treadmills in tha back of tha gym, that way u can see all dem fine asses and shit"
-"I heard if you snort protein shake powder it gets into your bloodstream faster"
-Roided out dude setting massive amount of weight on bench press and said this every rep he did, and he was doing reps extremely fast, "ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit"
-"Sick tan, nice bicep pump, awesome haircut, its friday night im feeling so good bro ima make sure my pussy gets pussy tonight"
-"My ipod died and now i have no motivation"
-"I only signed up for the gym for free pizza night every first tuesday of the month"
-"A 24 HOUR GYM? THATS 24 HOUR-LICIOUS!"
ill post more as they come to me
- "Up UP! UP!!!!! NOT DOWN!"
- "FRANK? FRANK!!!!!!!" "Yea boss?" "SPOT THE SHIT OUTTA ME ARGGGGHHHH!"
- As motivation to the dude a kid was spotting during bench press, "YOUR PARENTS GOT DIVORCED BECAUSE OF YOU!"
-Gay guy bothering a friend by asking him questions while he was lifting heavy weight, "IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE QUESTION IM GUNNA SUCK YOUR DICK!"
-"Ya think midgets have souls bro?"
-"All girls in the world should be hot girls"
-Black guy motivating another black guy, "Fuck dat dumbell's pussy"
-"Yo always get them treadmills in tha back of tha gym, that way u can see all dem fine asses and shit"
-"I heard if you snort protein shake powder it gets into your bloodstream faster"
-Roided out dude setting massive amount of weight on bench press and said this every rep he did, and he was doing reps extremely fast, "ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit"
-"Sick tan, nice bicep pump, awesome haircut, its friday night im feeling so good bro ima make sure my pussy gets pussy tonight"
-"My ipod died and now i have no motivation"
-"I only signed up for the gym for free pizza night every first tuesday of the month"
-"A 24 HOUR GYM? THATS 24 HOUR-LICIOUS!"
ill post more as they come to me
You ask, I answer.
Yesterday I asked a friend of mine to compile a series of random questions for me to answer, or not.
Now I could go about this by answering these questions by actually giving the correct answer, but what fun is that?
All vegetables signed the Vegetable Treaty Act of 1782 because right after the first Thanksgiving dinner with Pocahontas and the Indians there was a collective disdain for being consumed. Plus they felt like turkey was the centerpiece to that event and got all the credit; which leads me to my next point. All vegetables are the sidekick to a form of meat during dinner. What does meat have? Fat. So to give you a clue as to why all vegetables have agreed to turn into fat when they die, it is to give them a sense of higher function, in that maybe one day their remains will be recognized in death for the importance they truly deserve but never obtained in life.
My hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"... I need to go to work; can I ever stop?
Unless there's a coda or an exclusive 'order of operations' that I'm not aware of in the shampoo world, the 'repeat' should be treated as a linear function, in that you should execute the 'repeat' and then move forward. Moving on.
How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?
Dave Grohl's ipod.
You are shrunk to the height of a nickel and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?
Well first and foremost I would assume that this would only happen in a different parallel universe where the laws of physics would be completely unique to said universe. The laws of this universe say that if its possible to reduce one's size to a nickel from the average human size, than that whatever song you have stuck in your head, the lyrics come into fruition in real life. I don't know why, but this law is only exclusive to this specific universe. Its actually kind of cool if you think about it. Ok so I'm in the blender and I know that in 60 seconds I'm fucked, so then in order to maybe get out alive I'll get Justin Timberlake's 'Cry Me a River' stuck in my head, and then I'll start crying a literal river, the blender will fill up with water (or tears?), and I will swim to the top and get out safely. OH THEN ILL GET R. KELLY'S 'I BELIEVE I CAN FLY' STUCK IN MY HEAD SO I COULD THEN FLY TO A SONIC BURGER BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE ANY BY WHERE I LIVE LOL.
Do you have a preference on the religious rearing of children?
I personally think organized religion is a way to control the masses, but at the same time everyone is entitled to their own belief system. I wouldn't raise my child with any specific religion in mind, what I would do is give him or her a variety of different religious literature, meaning monotheistic, polytheistic, agnostic, and atheist, and let them know that these are all plausible possibilities but as humans we don't have the mental capacity in knowing any true answer. Then I would show him Star Wars and tell him that it is the closest thing to a true religion that's out there.
Now I could go about this by answering these questions by actually giving the correct answer, but what fun is that?
If vegetables have no fat, why is vegetable oil all fat?
My hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"... I need to go to work; can I ever stop?
Unless there's a coda or an exclusive 'order of operations' that I'm not aware of in the shampoo world, the 'repeat' should be treated as a linear function, in that you should execute the 'repeat' and then move forward. Moving on.
How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?
Dave Grohl's ipod.
You are shrunk to the height of a nickel and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?
Well first and foremost I would assume that this would only happen in a different parallel universe where the laws of physics would be completely unique to said universe. The laws of this universe say that if its possible to reduce one's size to a nickel from the average human size, than that whatever song you have stuck in your head, the lyrics come into fruition in real life. I don't know why, but this law is only exclusive to this specific universe. Its actually kind of cool if you think about it. Ok so I'm in the blender and I know that in 60 seconds I'm fucked, so then in order to maybe get out alive I'll get Justin Timberlake's 'Cry Me a River' stuck in my head, and then I'll start crying a literal river, the blender will fill up with water (or tears?), and I will swim to the top and get out safely. OH THEN ILL GET R. KELLY'S 'I BELIEVE I CAN FLY' STUCK IN MY HEAD SO I COULD THEN FLY TO A SONIC BURGER BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE ANY BY WHERE I LIVE LOL.
Do you have a preference on the religious rearing of children?
I personally think organized religion is a way to control the masses, but at the same time everyone is entitled to their own belief system. I wouldn't raise my child with any specific religion in mind, what I would do is give him or her a variety of different religious literature, meaning monotheistic, polytheistic, agnostic, and atheist, and let them know that these are all plausible possibilities but as humans we don't have the mental capacity in knowing any true answer. Then I would show him Star Wars and tell him that it is the closest thing to a true religion that's out there.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Treading the Fine Line.....
This is gunna be my first actual post where I say whatever comes to mind.
I want to clarify to anyone who is wondering; I am not sad, not even remotely. In fact I probably am one of the most optimistic people you will ever come across because throughout years of living in a depression, I came out the other side, and I know what I need to do in my life to stay this way. One of my favorite quotes is "keep your head in the clouds, keep your feet on the ground" which means that in order to be truly successful, insightful, and happy in this journey we call life, you must let your imagination float into uncharted territories while keeping your foundation strong and solid. It was only when I hit rock bottom at around 21 years old that I realized that the only way I would have a fulfilling life was to do what it is that makes me happy; and that is being the true definition of being human. So many people lead the generic 'cog in the machine' life where they work for 40 some odd years doing the same routine over and over again while they surround themselves with the false security of a home, a spouse, kids and so forth. I realized at a young age that this 'American Dream' was merely a facade to keep the masses of generic people productive while the enlightened and elite reaped the rewards of watching these sheep function like a broken record; all while laughing at how pathetic their existence really is. Going back to hitting rock bottom, I knew in college I was faced with eventually leaving this bubbled reality and coming back to 'find a career' and pretend that everything was gunna be ok. The truth is, 95% of people accept this reality without question because in their minds its to only way to live comfortably; but it couldn't be farther from the truth. If you have particular skills and are a forward thinking person, then you eventually realize that it is possible to lead the a life that humans were meant to live; not even being a choice, its the ONLY way to live once you reach this epiphany. Spontaneity, wit, analysis, and constant self-observation are all traits of the type of people who pave their own path towards success. Ok now REALLY going back to hitting rock bottom. I was depressed while away at college for a number of years for a number of reasons that I really don't want to discuss now. The reality that I mentioned before of having to work for some boss who was essentially laughing at me for being subservient without question for 40 plus years was something that I couldn't live with as an enlightened human; I would rather die, than give someone else control of my destiny. I knew that I had the choice of killing myself or doing something with my life that was truly meaningful. After years of essentially cutting myself off from most types of human contact to 'find myself' I decided that suicide was the most pathetic thing I could have done. I knew that I was very intelligent and creative and that with determination and persistence I could do anything I wanted. I decided at that time that I was going to start my own college poster business, produce music, and a few years later do stand-up comedy, because as a very observant person, I knew what 'sounded good', this being hard to say because I don't want to come across as arrogant, but getting a feel for how people react towards certain things and being my own objective 'devil's advocate' of sorts, I really started to understand deeper human emotion and what people like. They say that the most successful celebrities/musicians/athletes know they're going to make it before they actually do, and i've felt this way since I was 18 years old. Regarding the whole big picture of my life, I know that patience is a virtue and that when the planets are aligned I (we) will sneak into the collective subconscious of American culture and release all of my (our) material onto the world in a blaze of glory. I know there are so many minute details im leaving out but this is basically the general idea of how I got to where I am now in my life/where I'm going.
Moving on, I really have to start accepting the fact that I cannot change certain people, and that regardless of how much I try to instill a sense of 'truth in enlightenment', some people just weren't meant to think on a higher plane. I really do feel extremely lucky though because a select number of my best friends have the same mentality that I do, and that as a collective force we will be unstoppable; again, patience. This whole catharsis of sorts is literally just the tip of the iceberg of my personality, and if you want to peer into my soul to get a deeper understanding of your own, just ask. Like I said I really am a peaceful and understanding person, and that most of us are capable in utilizing the power of higher thinking in doing whatever we feel like. For example, last week the thought randomly popped into my head to run 40 miles. I've crossed the peak of personal limitations in my head and this means that I will not back down from any challenge that I don't think will hurt me or anyone else. Think about it this way, our whole existence is literally a flash in the grand scheme of the universe; 80 or so years humans live to while everything that surrounds us has been around for billions. In context, that's not even a wink, its a fraction of a fraction of a wink. So thinking about it logically, why not do ANYTHING you set your mind to knowing that, not to sound cynical, most of us will not be remembered a few generations after we die. I am only 24 years old, but when given the right resources, I could work on personal projects up until I was 40 and be remembered for centuries and maybe longer, because the creative mind uses the knowledge of today to pave a path for the trends of tomorrow.
The bottom line is that you cannot think in terms of black and white, life is essentially one big gray area. To really understand what I mean by this, watch the HBO show 'The Wire', where it portrays criminals as being justified, cops as being worse than the criminals, but it goes so much deeper. Anything worthwhile isn't easy, but anything easy is only worthwhile for a short period of time. Another fundamental lesson I learned in life is that the more you put into something, the more you will get out; hence the basis for Karma. Love can be infinite if both people realize it can, but at the same time love can numb you to everything else. Think about love this way; it's one of those circles in those diagrams we used to make in science class. It should be a circle that balances out the rest of your life, but it shouldn't be in the center. This brings me to my next point; balance. Doing anything in excess isn't good, even eating apples. Once you figure out how to use balance in an every day type context, life will flow so much more smoothly. For whatever reason my brain is kinda shot, normally I would use a really witty example of what i'm trying to say but I just can't right now. But im sure you get the big picture. Ladies, if you want to go on a 'date' or whatever you find interesting, don't hesitate to ask, my entire facebook existence is a satire of myself and I don't take it seriously, neither should you. I can honestly say that I'm one of the most down to earth people you will ever meet, and even though it seems like I'm losing my mind on a daily basis, its all just part of a big picture that will someday be brought into the spotlight. I'm not going to lose sleep if you don't want to, but know that if you do I can easily make your life 100 times more enjoyable. If I tell you that I really want to hangout with you, you better believe I mean it, I have no reason to bullshit because with or without you I'm going to be happy and eventually famous. Again, not trying to sound arrogant here lol. Wow I sound like a Match.com ad right now. Which brings me to my next point.
I don't think I could ever join an online dating site. For one, I think dates are extremely generic; there are a million different things you could do with a girl besides dinner and/or a film(movie). The reason I personally would never join an online dating site is because it feels like your going shopping for a person. If I know your name and interests before I meet you, that takes away the excitement like what's good. It goes back to the whole theory that everyone you meet in your life serves a purpose, if I meet you IN REAL LIFE it feels so much more genuine if somewhere down the line we realize we are 'compatible' and we 'go out.' Plus there isn't the excitement of quick scrutiny that everyone does but no one admits when you first meet a person of the opposite sex. You know what I mean, you meet a new girl, and this goes through every guys mind whether they admit it or not, ''Oh shes got awesome eyes BUT HER BOOBS ARE KINDA SMALL BUT OH WAIT SHES GOT NICE LIPS LOOK AT HER HAIR ITS SO SMOOTH OH WAIT BUT SHES BLOND I DONT LIKE BLONDS BUT MAYBE I DO LIKE BLONDS AND OH SHIT LOOK AT HER BUTT HAHA LEMME TALK TO HER BUT WAIT ILL PLAY IT COOL ILL TALK TO HER IN AN HOUR SO SHE THINKS I DONT LIKE HER BUT I DO BUT BY NOT TALKING TO HER IMMEDIATELY SHE'LL WANT ME MORE." I personally try not to do this flash analysis myself because personality (along with looks of course =) ) is my biggest turn on, but lets face it, we all do the flash analysis when a new person comes into our lives. The whole online dating thing feels so contrived, and honestly, if you can't meet people IRL and have to 'find' someone online that would work for you, then you have bigger problems.
Holy shit its almost 2:00 and I aint even tired, oh well, time to read this book about aliens 8).
I want to clarify to anyone who is wondering; I am not sad, not even remotely. In fact I probably am one of the most optimistic people you will ever come across because throughout years of living in a depression, I came out the other side, and I know what I need to do in my life to stay this way. One of my favorite quotes is "keep your head in the clouds, keep your feet on the ground" which means that in order to be truly successful, insightful, and happy in this journey we call life, you must let your imagination float into uncharted territories while keeping your foundation strong and solid. It was only when I hit rock bottom at around 21 years old that I realized that the only way I would have a fulfilling life was to do what it is that makes me happy; and that is being the true definition of being human. So many people lead the generic 'cog in the machine' life where they work for 40 some odd years doing the same routine over and over again while they surround themselves with the false security of a home, a spouse, kids and so forth. I realized at a young age that this 'American Dream' was merely a facade to keep the masses of generic people productive while the enlightened and elite reaped the rewards of watching these sheep function like a broken record; all while laughing at how pathetic their existence really is. Going back to hitting rock bottom, I knew in college I was faced with eventually leaving this bubbled reality and coming back to 'find a career' and pretend that everything was gunna be ok. The truth is, 95% of people accept this reality without question because in their minds its to only way to live comfortably; but it couldn't be farther from the truth. If you have particular skills and are a forward thinking person, then you eventually realize that it is possible to lead the a life that humans were meant to live; not even being a choice, its the ONLY way to live once you reach this epiphany. Spontaneity, wit, analysis, and constant self-observation are all traits of the type of people who pave their own path towards success. Ok now REALLY going back to hitting rock bottom. I was depressed while away at college for a number of years for a number of reasons that I really don't want to discuss now. The reality that I mentioned before of having to work for some boss who was essentially laughing at me for being subservient without question for 40 plus years was something that I couldn't live with as an enlightened human; I would rather die, than give someone else control of my destiny. I knew that I had the choice of killing myself or doing something with my life that was truly meaningful. After years of essentially cutting myself off from most types of human contact to 'find myself' I decided that suicide was the most pathetic thing I could have done. I knew that I was very intelligent and creative and that with determination and persistence I could do anything I wanted. I decided at that time that I was going to start my own college poster business, produce music, and a few years later do stand-up comedy, because as a very observant person, I knew what 'sounded good', this being hard to say because I don't want to come across as arrogant, but getting a feel for how people react towards certain things and being my own objective 'devil's advocate' of sorts, I really started to understand deeper human emotion and what people like. They say that the most successful celebrities/musicians/athletes know they're going to make it before they actually do, and i've felt this way since I was 18 years old. Regarding the whole big picture of my life, I know that patience is a virtue and that when the planets are aligned I (we) will sneak into the collective subconscious of American culture and release all of my (our) material onto the world in a blaze of glory. I know there are so many minute details im leaving out but this is basically the general idea of how I got to where I am now in my life/where I'm going.
Moving on, I really have to start accepting the fact that I cannot change certain people, and that regardless of how much I try to instill a sense of 'truth in enlightenment', some people just weren't meant to think on a higher plane. I really do feel extremely lucky though because a select number of my best friends have the same mentality that I do, and that as a collective force we will be unstoppable; again, patience. This whole catharsis of sorts is literally just the tip of the iceberg of my personality, and if you want to peer into my soul to get a deeper understanding of your own, just ask. Like I said I really am a peaceful and understanding person, and that most of us are capable in utilizing the power of higher thinking in doing whatever we feel like. For example, last week the thought randomly popped into my head to run 40 miles. I've crossed the peak of personal limitations in my head and this means that I will not back down from any challenge that I don't think will hurt me or anyone else. Think about it this way, our whole existence is literally a flash in the grand scheme of the universe; 80 or so years humans live to while everything that surrounds us has been around for billions. In context, that's not even a wink, its a fraction of a fraction of a wink. So thinking about it logically, why not do ANYTHING you set your mind to knowing that, not to sound cynical, most of us will not be remembered a few generations after we die. I am only 24 years old, but when given the right resources, I could work on personal projects up until I was 40 and be remembered for centuries and maybe longer, because the creative mind uses the knowledge of today to pave a path for the trends of tomorrow.
The bottom line is that you cannot think in terms of black and white, life is essentially one big gray area. To really understand what I mean by this, watch the HBO show 'The Wire', where it portrays criminals as being justified, cops as being worse than the criminals, but it goes so much deeper. Anything worthwhile isn't easy, but anything easy is only worthwhile for a short period of time. Another fundamental lesson I learned in life is that the more you put into something, the more you will get out; hence the basis for Karma. Love can be infinite if both people realize it can, but at the same time love can numb you to everything else. Think about love this way; it's one of those circles in those diagrams we used to make in science class. It should be a circle that balances out the rest of your life, but it shouldn't be in the center. This brings me to my next point; balance. Doing anything in excess isn't good, even eating apples. Once you figure out how to use balance in an every day type context, life will flow so much more smoothly. For whatever reason my brain is kinda shot, normally I would use a really witty example of what i'm trying to say but I just can't right now. But im sure you get the big picture. Ladies, if you want to go on a 'date' or whatever you find interesting, don't hesitate to ask, my entire facebook existence is a satire of myself and I don't take it seriously, neither should you. I can honestly say that I'm one of the most down to earth people you will ever meet, and even though it seems like I'm losing my mind on a daily basis, its all just part of a big picture that will someday be brought into the spotlight. I'm not going to lose sleep if you don't want to, but know that if you do I can easily make your life 100 times more enjoyable. If I tell you that I really want to hangout with you, you better believe I mean it, I have no reason to bullshit because with or without you I'm going to be happy and eventually famous. Again, not trying to sound arrogant here lol. Wow I sound like a Match.com ad right now. Which brings me to my next point.
I don't think I could ever join an online dating site. For one, I think dates are extremely generic; there are a million different things you could do with a girl besides dinner and/or a film(movie). The reason I personally would never join an online dating site is because it feels like your going shopping for a person. If I know your name and interests before I meet you, that takes away the excitement like what's good. It goes back to the whole theory that everyone you meet in your life serves a purpose, if I meet you IN REAL LIFE it feels so much more genuine if somewhere down the line we realize we are 'compatible' and we 'go out.' Plus there isn't the excitement of quick scrutiny that everyone does but no one admits when you first meet a person of the opposite sex. You know what I mean, you meet a new girl, and this goes through every guys mind whether they admit it or not, ''Oh shes got awesome eyes BUT HER BOOBS ARE KINDA SMALL BUT OH WAIT SHES GOT NICE LIPS LOOK AT HER HAIR ITS SO SMOOTH OH WAIT BUT SHES BLOND I DONT LIKE BLONDS BUT MAYBE I DO LIKE BLONDS AND OH SHIT LOOK AT HER BUTT HAHA LEMME TALK TO HER BUT WAIT ILL PLAY IT COOL ILL TALK TO HER IN AN HOUR SO SHE THINKS I DONT LIKE HER BUT I DO BUT BY NOT TALKING TO HER IMMEDIATELY SHE'LL WANT ME MORE." I personally try not to do this flash analysis myself because personality (along with looks of course =) ) is my biggest turn on, but lets face it, we all do the flash analysis when a new person comes into our lives. The whole online dating thing feels so contrived, and honestly, if you can't meet people IRL and have to 'find' someone online that would work for you, then you have bigger problems.
Holy shit its almost 2:00 and I aint even tired, oh well, time to read this book about aliens 8).
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