The 10 week Sex Panther Body Transformation.

Its going to happen. Im finally going to do it.  Transform my body into a lean mean sex panther machine.  Im writing this while constantly fixing typos because right now its just me in my room and my brother and some chick alone in his room and I cant stop laughing my balls off because of the situation.  Anyway, for the past 4 years or so ive had the size but not the real ripped body to go along with it.  The last time i was ripped was in 03' and thats way to long ago.  The reason I had motivation then was because my life was finally coming together, and now the motivation is here again because my alter ego 'Bill Overlode', who's mainly my stand up comedy stage persona has to be in insanely awesome shape.  Couple that drive to get myself into character with the knowledge and a know-it-all game plan and its going to happen.  This is gunna be the summer where I blow up/really focus on touring.

The 'Sex Panther' body transformation.....it works 60% of the time, all the time.

Diet - first two weeks to kickstart the process, protein shake for breakfast and lunch, and grilled meat with salad for dinner.  Drink at least a gallon of water a day, while also taking in 2 tablespoons of apple cidar vinegar twice a day to neutralize the triglycerides in my bloodstread after heavy cardio.  After two weeks add in 2 smaller meals along with 2 protein shakes daily totaling 5 small meals a day.  MHP 12 hour glutamine after gym before bed every day to prevent catabolism at all costs while cutting.

Workout - Monday/chest/Abs Tuesday/Back Wednesday/Tris Thursday/Bis/Abs Friday/Shoulders/Legs

Weekend - As an incentive to stay on track starting friday night after 8 I can put anything into my stomach/lungs/nose and this goes on until Sunday night.

Cardio - At least 4 miles 5 days a week and/or 45 minute incline walk.

GOAL WEIGHT - RIPPED @190lbs OR LOWER.

EVERYTHING WILL BE LOGGED ON A WEEKLY BASIS AND PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY.......EVERYTHING......IF I FUCK UP YOU WILL KNOW AND YOU WILL MAKE FUN OF ME FOR IT.

Weigh ins every friday.....pictures every other friday starting friday week 2.

So now I should take some time to explain my persona/alter ego......Mr. William Overlode.

Bill Overlode -  hmmmmm, the easiest way to describe him is an ignorant jacked shallow consuming media whore patriotic Axl Rose on crack, who really just doesnt understand women and overcompensates by talking himself up, making obscene comments that he thinks win women over but in reality drive them away.  He thinks its normal for women that he sleeps with to cry after sex.  One of his/my stand up jokes go as follows "You know like one outta every five times i jerk off, as im about to climax ill say something like 'im soooooo glad im not gay' and smile as im cumming.  Not that I have anything against faggots, but im just glad that i love women."He represents the general ignorance that most American's have towards people who are different, and hes too dumb to realize when he's sexist or racist, his most important asset is image.  In fact I might just get a tattoo across my chest like my friend just got.  His says 'Handsome Devil' and mines gunna say 'Cunt Destroyer', cuz I can always write it off as being part of my character.  Just as Eminem has Slim Shady, Justin Ramsey will have Bill Overlode.  At the conclusion of the Sex Panther body transformation, im getting both ears pierced, the top part of my left ear, my left eyebrow and my left nipple BOTH NIPNIPS.  I cannot fucking wait. 

For those wondering about 'Confessions of a Guido Episode 4,' this is also gunna be filmed at the conclusion of the Sex Panther body transformation because it also entails my character to be in sick shape,and lots of piercings LOL.

The bottom line is if this works, not only hoping my career will truly begin, but i got that entrepreneur spirit so hopefully I can market my diet and sell it as one of those shitty google ads, but instead of taking your money and not working, it will really actually work.

                                                         
                                                                     ORDERED.

                                                                        ORDERED. 

                                                                           WTF.

All girls in the world should be hot girls

I've been going to the gym for a good 7 years now, and since that time I've heard my fair share of one liners.  One must understand that I cannot make this shit up.  Here's a collection of the ones that were good enough to stick in my head all these years.  Enjoy.

- "Up UP! UP!!!!! NOT DOWN!"

- "FRANK? FRANK!!!!!!!" "Yea boss?" "SPOT THE SHIT OUTTA ME ARGGGGHHHH!"

- As motivation to the dude a kid was spotting during bench press, "YOUR PARENTS GOT DIVORCED BECAUSE OF YOU!"

-Gay guy bothering a friend by asking him questions while he was lifting heavy weight, "IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE QUESTION IM GUNNA SUCK YOUR DICK!"

-"Ya think midgets have souls bro?"

-"All girls in the world should be hot girls"

-Black guy motivating another black guy, "Fuck dat dumbell's pussy"

-"Yo always get them treadmills in tha back of tha gym, that way u can see all dem fine asses and shit"

-"I heard if you snort protein shake powder it gets into your bloodstream faster"

-Roided out dude setting massive amount of weight on bench press and said this every rep he did, and he was doing reps extremely fast, "ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit"

-"Sick tan, nice bicep pump, awesome haircut, its friday night im feeling so good bro ima make sure my pussy gets pussy tonight"

-"My ipod died and now i have no motivation"

-"I only signed up for the gym for free pizza night every first tuesday of the month"

-"A 24 HOUR GYM? THATS 24 HOUR-LICIOUS!"


ill post more as they come to me

You ask, I answer.

Yesterday I asked a friend of mine to compile a series of random questions for me to answer, or not.
Now I could go about this by answering these questions by actually giving the correct answer, but what fun is that?

If vegetables have no fat, why is vegetable oil all fat?

 

All vegetables signed the Vegetable Treaty Act of 1782 because right after the first Thanksgiving dinner with Pocahontas and the Indians there was a collective disdain for being consumed.  Plus they felt like turkey was the centerpiece to that event and got all the credit; which leads me to my next point.  All vegetables are the sidekick to a form of meat during dinner.  What does meat have? Fat.  So to give you a clue as to why all vegetables have agreed to turn into fat when they die, it is to give them a sense of higher function, in that maybe one day their remains will be recognized in death for the importance they truly deserve but never obtained in life.

  My hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"... I need to go to work; can I ever stop? 

Unless there's a coda or an exclusive 'order of operations' that I'm not aware of in the shampoo world, the 'repeat' should be treated as a linear function, in that you should execute the 'repeat' and then move forward.  Moving on.


How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?

Dave Grohl's ipod.


You are shrunk to the height of a nickel and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?

Well first and foremost I would assume that this would only happen in a different parallel universe where the laws of physics would be completely unique to said universe.  The laws of this universe say that if its possible to reduce one's size to a nickel from the average human size, than that whatever song you have stuck in your head, the lyrics come into fruition in real life.  I don't know why, but this law is only exclusive to this specific universe.  Its actually kind of cool if you think about it.  Ok so I'm in the blender and I know that in 60 seconds I'm fucked, so then in order to maybe get out alive I'll get Justin Timberlake's 'Cry Me a River' stuck in my head, and then I'll start crying a literal river, the blender will fill up with water (or tears?), and I will swim to the top and get out safely.  OH THEN ILL GET R. KELLY'S 'I BELIEVE I CAN FLY' STUCK IN MY HEAD SO I COULD THEN FLY TO A SONIC BURGER BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE ANY BY WHERE I LIVE LOL.


Do you have a preference on the religious rearing of children?

I personally think organized religion is a way to control the masses, but at the same time everyone is entitled to their own belief system.  I wouldn't raise my child with any specific religion in mind, what I would do is give him or her a variety of different religious literature, meaning monotheistic, polytheistic, agnostic, and atheist, and let them know that these are all plausible possibilities but as humans we don't have the mental capacity in knowing any true answer.  Then I would show him Star Wars and tell him that it is the closest thing to a true religion that's out there. 

Treading the Fine Line.....

This is gunna be my first actual post where I say whatever comes to mind.

I want to clarify to anyone who is wondering; I am not sad, not even remotely.  In fact I probably am one of the most optimistic people you will ever come across because throughout years of living in a depression, I came out the other side, and I know what I need to do in my life to stay this way.  One of my favorite quotes is "keep your head in the clouds, keep your feet on the ground" which means that in order to be truly successful, insightful, and happy in this journey we call life, you must let your imagination float into uncharted territories while keeping your foundation strong and solid.  It was only when I hit rock bottom at around 21 years old that I realized that the only way I would have a fulfilling life was to do what it is that makes me happy; and that is being the true definition of being human.  So many people lead the generic 'cog in the machine' life where they work for 40 some odd years doing the same routine over and over again while they surround themselves with the false security of a home, a spouse, kids and so forth.  I realized at a young age that this 'American Dream' was merely a facade to keep the masses of generic people productive while the enlightened and elite reaped the rewards of watching these sheep function like a broken record; all while laughing at how pathetic their existence really is.  Going back to hitting rock bottom, I knew in college I was faced with eventually leaving this bubbled reality and coming back to 'find a career' and pretend that everything was gunna be ok.  The truth is, 95% of people accept this reality without question because in their minds its to only way to live comfortably; but it couldn't be farther from the truth. If you have particular skills and are a forward thinking person, then you eventually realize that it is possible to lead the a life that humans were meant to live; not even being a choice, its the ONLY way to live once you reach this epiphany.  Spontaneity, wit, analysis, and constant self-observation are all traits of the type of people who pave their own path towards success.  Ok now REALLY going back to hitting rock bottom.  I was depressed while away at college for a number of years for a number of reasons that I really don't want to discuss now.  The reality that I mentioned before of having to work for some boss who was essentially laughing at me for being subservient without question for 40 plus years was something that I couldn't live with as an enlightened human; I would rather die, than give someone else control of my destiny.  I knew that I had the choice of killing myself or doing something with my life that was truly meaningful.  After years of essentially cutting myself off from most types of human contact to 'find myself' I decided that suicide was the most pathetic thing I could have done.  I knew that I was very intelligent and creative and that with determination and persistence I could do anything I wanted.  I decided at that time that I was going to start my own college poster business, produce music, and a few years later do stand-up comedy, because as a very observant person, I knew what 'sounded good', this being hard to say because I don't want to come across as arrogant, but getting a feel for how people react towards certain things and being my own objective 'devil's advocate' of sorts, I really started to understand deeper human emotion and what people like.  They say that the most successful celebrities/musicians/athletes know they're going to make it before they actually do, and i've felt this way since I was 18 years old.  Regarding the whole big picture of my life, I know that patience is a virtue and that when the planets are aligned I (we) will sneak into the collective subconscious of American culture and release all of my (our) material onto the world in a blaze of glory.  I know there are so many minute details im leaving out but this is basically the general idea of how I got to where I am now in my life/where I'm going. 

Moving on, I really have to start accepting the fact that I cannot change certain people, and that regardless of how much I try to instill a sense of 'truth in enlightenment', some people just weren't meant to think on a higher plane.  I really do feel extremely lucky though because a select number of my best friends have the same mentality that I do, and that as a collective force we will be unstoppable; again, patience.  This whole catharsis of sorts is literally just the tip of the iceberg of my personality, and if you want to peer into my soul to get a deeper understanding of your own, just ask.  Like I said I really am a peaceful and understanding person, and that most of us are capable in utilizing the power of higher thinking in doing whatever we feel like.  For example, last week the thought randomly popped into my head to run 40 miles.  I've crossed the peak of personal limitations in my head and this means that I will not back down from any challenge that I don't think will hurt me or anyone else.  Think about it this way, our whole existence is literally a flash in the grand scheme of the universe; 80 or so years humans live to while everything that surrounds us has been around for billions.  In context, that's not even a wink, its a fraction of a fraction of a wink.  So thinking about it logically, why not do ANYTHING you set your mind to knowing that, not to sound cynical, most of us will not be remembered a few generations after we die.  I am only 24 years old, but when given the right resources, I could work on personal projects up until I was 40 and be remembered for centuries and maybe longer, because the creative mind uses the knowledge of today to pave a path for the trends of tomorrow.

The bottom line is that you cannot think in terms of black and white, life is essentially one big gray area.  To really understand what I mean by this, watch the HBO show 'The Wire', where it portrays criminals as being justified, cops as being worse than the criminals, but it goes so much deeper.  Anything worthwhile isn't easy, but anything easy is only worthwhile for a short period of time.  Another fundamental lesson I learned in life is that the more you put into something, the more you will get out; hence the basis for Karma.  Love can be infinite if both people realize it can, but at the same time love can numb you to everything else.  Think about love this way; it's one of those circles in those diagrams we used to make in science class.  It should be a circle that balances out the rest of your life, but it shouldn't be in the center.  This brings me to my next point; balance.  Doing anything in excess isn't good, even eating apples.  Once you figure out how to use balance in an every day type context, life will flow so much more smoothly.  For whatever reason my brain is kinda shot, normally I would use a really witty example of what i'm trying to say but I just can't right now.  But im sure you get the big picture.  Ladies, if you want to go on a 'date' or whatever you find interesting, don't hesitate to ask, my entire facebook existence is a satire of myself and I don't take it seriously, neither should you.  I can honestly say that I'm one of the most down to earth people you will ever meet, and even though it seems like I'm losing my mind on a daily basis, its all just part of a big picture that will someday be brought into the spotlight.  I'm not going to lose sleep if you don't want to, but know that if you do I can easily make your life 100 times more enjoyable. If I tell you that I really want to hangout with you, you better believe I mean it, I have no reason to bullshit because with or without you I'm going to be happy and eventually famous.  Again, not trying to sound arrogant here lol.  Wow I sound like a Match.com ad right now.  Which brings me to my next point.

I don't think I could ever join an online dating site.  For one, I think dates are extremely generic; there are a million different things you could do with a girl besides dinner and/or a film(movie).  The reason I personally would never join an online dating site is because it feels like your going shopping for a person.  If I know your name and interests before I meet you, that takes away the excitement like what's good.  It goes back to the whole theory that everyone you meet in your life serves a purpose, if I meet you IN REAL LIFE it feels so much more genuine if somewhere down the line we realize we are 'compatible' and we 'go out.' Plus there isn't the excitement of quick scrutiny that everyone does but no one admits when you first meet a person of the opposite sex.  You know what I mean, you meet a new girl, and this goes through every guys mind whether they admit it or not, ''Oh shes got awesome eyes BUT HER BOOBS ARE KINDA SMALL BUT OH WAIT SHES GOT NICE LIPS LOOK AT HER HAIR ITS SO SMOOTH OH WAIT BUT SHES BLOND I DONT LIKE BLONDS BUT MAYBE I DO LIKE BLONDS AND OH SHIT LOOK AT HER BUTT HAHA LEMME TALK TO HER BUT WAIT ILL PLAY IT COOL ILL TALK TO HER IN AN HOUR SO SHE THINKS I DONT LIKE HER BUT I DO BUT BY NOT TALKING TO HER IMMEDIATELY SHE'LL WANT ME MORE." I personally try not to do this flash analysis myself because personality (along with looks of course =) ) is my biggest turn on, but lets face it, we all do the flash analysis when a new person comes into our lives.  The whole online dating thing feels so contrived, and honestly, if you can't meet people IRL and have to 'find' someone online that would work for you, then you have bigger problems. 


Holy shit its almost 2:00 and I aint even tired, oh well, time to read this book about aliens 8). 

Pet Peeves; A List.

I should begin by saying that I am a very peaceful person.  Sure, if I need to 'take care of business', in whatever context you want to assume that it means, then I have no problem 'stepping up to the plate.'  But yea, there are very few things that get under my skin, and the collective list of these items has dwindled over the years because as I grow older I try not to let certain things bother me.  So to put it in perspective, you have to understand that as hard as ive tried to accept and justify why these things shouldnt bother me, they still do.....alot.

In no particular order of importance:

1.  Red lights without sensors - I read somewhere that the average person spends about 6 months of their entire life sitting at red lights.  The funny thing is, this isnt the reason why they bother me.  The real reason is because half of the time when im sitting at a red light whilst the perpendicular lights are green, there are no vehicles utilizing said green lights.  It truly is the epitome of a lose-lose situation; I'm literally sacrificing grains of sand in the hourglass of my life while NOTHING happens.  Even if a fucking possum or opposum or however the fuck you spell that creature's name was crossing along with the green light, I wouldnt feel as bad, but now money to pay for the electricity to power these lights is going to waste because nothing is getting accomplished, all while my life is fading away.  Its almost like high fiving a ghost; good effort, but you're still not gunna make skin to skin contact with it. 

2.  That stupid jingle at the end of those 'metro pcs' commercials - Every time I hear that fucking robot go "HELLO HeLlO hello" (that's how I type descending downward inflections) in his stupid monotone robot voice, i'm tempted to shoplift a Chinese kid.  That jingle gets so DEEPLY under my skin, if moods were ranked on a scale of 1-10, and im typically somewhere around a 7 most of the time, then having to sit through those 5 seconds of brain circumcision drives me down to about a 3 for about half an hour until I hear Boston or some other worthy classic rock band on the radio that resets my state-of-mind.  It really bothers me that there is a marketing team out there that thinks that this is ok.  Its not.  It really isnt.  I hate you robot.

3.  Old ladies that don't pre-cut their coupons or pre-count their change at grocery store lines - File this one under 'waste of time' also.  I mean come on, what do old ladies do most of their day? They look at coupon books in the newspaper while simultaneously keeping basic cable channels drone obnoxiously loud in the background.  Oh, and they also plan on what they're going to make for dinner a week and a half in advance.  Listen, I love old ladies, but come on now, its time to get your shit together.  Rather than take the trek to King Kullen that's literally half a mile away without preparing your coupons or counting your pennies, why don't you upgrade your priorities by just a tad, and have these things ready to go once all your items are rang up?  I'm right behind you on line, fidgeting with my 20 gallons of water that I purchase weekly, and Im meticulously eye-fucking your not-so-perfectly cut coupons because I just want to get home and play with my digimon cards.  That's all I want to do old ladies.  But your incompetent and nonchalant attitude that everything moves gracefully at a snail's pace doesn't work for the rest of us.  Sorry! =(


4. Rogue erections - You wanna know how I know that if there is a god that he has a sense of humor?  Because only then would he bless me with 'gifts' when it isnt even my birthday or christmas. Like ok, it takes me a good 15 minutes to get into that badass-biker-gang-member mentality mode prior to embarking on my daily trip to the gym to get myself through another ridiculous workout or crazy long run.  But no, right as im pulling into the gym parking lot for whatever reason ill start getting a hard-on and its literally so frustrating that i start punching the windshield.  Nothing kills the warrior mindset like knowing that you're going to have to wait an extra 3 minutes while also having a slide-show of pre-made 'boner killer' thoughts ready to flood your mind; Will Ferrell telling you you're gay, changing Fidel Castro's diaper on an airplane, imaging your best friend sleeping with the girl you like, a chair in front of a green screen (idk why but it works), anything Food Channel, Renee Zellwigger, etc.....you get the point.   

5. Contemporary pop music - The gym I work at plays all pop music, and for someone who rarely if ever listens to it without being forced to, it makes me despise it even more.  I know im preaching to the choir here, but does literally EVERY single song have to be derivative of another and have to be about some form of love, break-ups, and/or sex?  I know that somewhere/sometime in a record executive meeting these words were spoken....."wait a second, every human has something in common; human-to-human relationships! so if we manufacture songs about sex, relationships, or break-ups, then EVERYONE can relate to it!.....and we will sell even MORE records!"  It really disappoints me when someone I respect tells me they like pop music who's over the age of 18, because its so blatantly obvious that its not even music, its just a product, and that it doesn't take much analysis to realize this.  The fact that I have this garbage pumped into my ears for 8-10 hours at a time really burns my biscuits.

im going to constantly update this with more items as i think of them so check back often.

Just Let Go.

In the past five days, this perpetually hungover, dehydrated, tobacco-corroded lunged bastard ran the distance equivalent of slightly less than two marathons.

Once you have the ability to transcend mind from body, you realize pain is merely an illusion.

 

Impossible means absolutely nothing.

Poker Face

So if youve been following along with these anecdotes then you know i just got a new awesome job.  My job is so awesome in fact that I have alot of down time because it doesnt have a large customer base yet, being that all the customers are gym members in a brand new gym and no one else.  When your brain is revving on 12 cylinders 24/7 youre constantly planning/analyzing/comprehending the future from all angles.  Being we hadnt had a customer in a good 15 minutes I decided to sit down and try to dig up some college stories for the show were writing from the recesses of my brain.  The one that came to mind to me today is when during our last year of college, I was watching the 'Poker Face' video because my room mate told me that Lady Gaga was 'hot' and that 'he was going to fuck her in a couple of years when he was famous.'  Now, the whole predicament with Lady Gaga is that she isnt 'love at first sight' good looking, but when you understand her genius then she becomes very good looking.  Yes, I just said Lady Gaga is a genius. Its apparent that every career move she does is very premeditated, calculated, and foremost, her lyrics have a sense of ambiguity when it comes to their meanings.  Rather than being the stereotypical pop star that only drives the point home that she wants to fuck every guy that walks in her lyrics, different people deduce different meanings in all of her songs.  The bottom line is I could spend 3 hours talking about why I respect her as an artist and a musician, but as always I have a completely fucked up and reprehensible story to tell.


So anyway going back to what my room mate said about Lady Gaga in my daydream, it gave me an ingenious idea, and from this point on I will tell it in terms of what I plan on doing.....

The following will be filmed and broadcasted summer 2011:  My college friends on occasion like to go to cougar bars, and im sure we all know what a cougar is.  The next time I hear about and get invited to go 'cougar hunting' I will probably say no, as ive done every last time ive been asked.  The reasons I turn these invites down is another topic for another day lol.  Anyway I will get all the details; the time/day/bar and then I will be there with them......not as one of the bros, but as a cougar.......=o? Just let me finish.  Ok so im sure youve all seen Mrs. Doubtfire, so you know the scene where Robin Williams gets turned into an old lady by that gay guy.  I plan on finding that guy, you know the same gay guy from 'Independence Day' who says on the phone in the movie something like "I pay $300 dollars an hour so you can put me through to my psychiatrist!" with a lisp in a fit of gay-rage.  So im gunna find this guy, im gunna have him turn me into a MILF cougar, and im gunna be there the night my friends plan on going.  Now, I got the cougar voice down perfectly, once I find the perfect BLOND wig and let that gay dude put on my makeup the way most gay makeup artists do, I have no doubt that I will be one of the sexiest cougars you will ever see.  I even think I would look something like Lady Gaga (idk I just think I would honestly).  I would make for one broad-shouldered broad, but knowing my friends this would not make an iota of difference, in fact I think I could pinpoint the one friend who would try to hit on me first.  So as this friend comes over and buys me a drink, Ill start saying some seductive shit to him, and the natural progression of past cougar nights from what Ive heard is the ending up with the bangage of these cougars in said cougar's Altima, or whatever small size sedan she's driving.  So the plan is to have him ask me to go into his car; I cant ask him to go into mine because my friends obviously know what my fucking car looks like lol.  When we get into his car, I will take out 'The Fame' cd and put it in, and select 'Poker Face' to come on, so as the songs playing and my friend is about to make a move on me, I will take off my wig and my makeup, and while hes staring at me in utmost repugnance and perturbation, im going to say "you sick.......sick fuck......", get out of the car and go home; knowing that I have this motherfucker in perpetual blackmail for the rest of my life.

Almost got fired 5 times at work today.

Oh sweet cherry cola do i love my job.  Sure its only been three days but im working at a smoothie place INSIDE of a gym, so its the best of both worlds for me.  Plus im the manager so i get to warp the young minds of all the 18 year olds.  The owner tho is an aging guido whose vindictive just because im a young stud, something that he isnt anymore so he constantly tries to break my balls.  For example, in the computer my name is 'Justine' and my password is 'Juicey', I still dont get it.  Anyway ill talk about why I almost got fired 5 times today.

1.  I work with a nice kid named Mike, 18 years old, just broke up with his girlfriend 3 weeks ago who also works at the same place.  Now, me and mike have alot of time to talk so i feel like im sorta a mentor to him, I even told him I would be his on the job father figure.  So me and Mike got talking and he said "yea yo me and my friends always say the reason girls are getting sluttier and sluttier at a younger age, is cuz of shit like Jersey Shore, and they think that the way those sluts act is the normal way older girls are."  I told him i said "Mike you are absolutely right, their impressionable minds are constantly bombarded by pop music lyrics and television that glorify sex and because of this, they become mere accessories; the schools they attend should make them wear cunt-corks so they cant have sex until a certain age."  Mike then said, "CUNT-CORKS?!?! WTF?!?!?" and laughed for a good 15 minutes while the line built up and complaints were made.  I of course took the blame for this.

2.  Some juiced up guido ordered a shake and we started talking about pre-workout energy supplements and he said something to the effect of "oh you dudes sell 5-owa (sic) energy?" I said "yea actually its funny you mention that, Ive been drinking the same bottle for 2 months now.....I take an eye dropper full and just take a drop at a time right before i jerk off, because it then becomes 2 minute energy and thats how long it usually takes me."  Dude-bro didnt like my sarcasm so he said "thats fucked up yo" and left abrasively grunting.

3.  I dont acknowledge any of my crew members unless they call me Dr. Milkshake, but if they call me doc i respond too usually.  So anyway one of the girl team members kept yelling 'JUSTIN!' to get my attention, but she knew the rules and i didnt respond.  She then told the owner and the owner didnt approve of my new moniker.

4.  The gym plays alot of shitty music, ironically its almost 50% the same tracks as my previous job at blue apricot frozen yogurt.  But sometimes they play a gem, so today in the middle of the day when it was slow Linkin Park came on so i went into the back room and started pretending to scream into a microphone and flailing around as if i was on stage in front of thousands of fans.  Shortly after this, I got a phone call from the boss and he goes "you know there are cameras everywhere and i see everything, what the hell were you doing?"  I responded, "honestly I have no logical excuse for my actions but I can assure you it will never happen again sir."  Boss then said "Ok....(awkward pause)" and then hung up.

5.  Remember how I was telling you Mike and his girlfriend just broke up but still work together?  Ok well her name is Jenna so it turns out that Jenna totally pulled the "lets take a break" card which is such a thing Jenna would do because she hates confrontation, but then I found out that Mike broke up with Jenna over the summer BUT Jenna then hooked up with Mikes best friend Joey, but Joey didnt have sex because Mike was his best friend!  So like Jenna is a complete slut because she then tried to get with Mike's other good friend but that didnt happen because Mike said 'no' and then they got back together but guess what, during senior year it turns out Jenna was a complete flirt and this made Mike totally uncomfortable so Mike started flirting with other girls too!  So after Jenna explained all this to me I called her a slut and she told the boss.

Man i love my new job.

Funny Posters

Really happened? You be the judge.

So it was a mid July day in 09' and I was probably up to my normal summer shenanigans.  At that time I think I was scheming to to open up my own Valentines day store that put a layer of chocolate over your entire body and then hand cart you to your significant other's house with a love letter taped to the chocolate.  Or I could have been trying to start my own line of bacon scented cologne.  Who knows, I digress.  Anyway, I had plans to go out and get hammered for the 876th night in a row when 'low self esteem girl' texted me that she wanted to hangout, and you all know what that means.  Now if you know me, you know my philosophy; if you get hungry and dont eat, you die, if youre thirsty and you dont drink, you die, if your horny and you dont have sex, you melt like the wicked witch of the west, oh wait, no you dont.  As I was debating, what I remember clearly was that on that particular day it was 100 degrees outside so i must have pounded at least 2 liters of water, oh wait, im not in fucking Europe, it was 2 gallons of water.  So for whatever reason i decided to let low self esteem girl come over and watch a movie and lead up to having that generic conversation you have with a girl you have nothing in common with before you hookup with her.  You know what im talking about, she starts complaining about her job, or her dog or her parents and you nod her to death until she says something like "dont you see what i mean" and then you snap outta your daydream and go "OH yea, right, definitely."  So anyway in preparation for her coming over, i popped two of my dad's viagras, cuz if you know what happened in 05' you know about that road trip story with the wild boars and the quakers, and how it led up to my dick not working properly.  So im all juiced up and ready to go, and she comes by around 8, we 'watch a movie' and then by force of nature I put on the classic Dolph Lungren move where i look her in the eyes and say in that Russian accent 'I will break you', it works 100% of the time.  So as we conjoined mouths I slickly take my itunes remote and put on some kid rock to really set the mood.  All of a sudden, her phone rings, she picks up, its her sister saying her dog is overheated and that she thinks something bad might happen.  Immediately, she expects the worst as most girls do, says shes gotta go home and leaves.  So now im sitting in my room with a rock hard erection, been holding in 2 gallons of piss and all my friends are already out.

The moral of the story?  Dont take viagra if your not gunna get laid, or else youre gunna have to jerk off just to take a piss.

Funny Extreme Posters

Cuz 6 outta 10 aint baddddd.....

1) exactly how many inches is it from ur balls to ur asshole? 
Answer: I was on the cover of Taint in May 07'
 See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anm44OEkFFk&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fresults%3Fsearch_query%3Dmr%2Bshow%2Btaint%26aq%3Df&has_verified=1 

2) how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck provolone cheese?
Answer: The reason wood chucks chuck wood is to build their little damns, and provolone cheese would disintegrate in the water after a few hours/days, so this is a trick question. 
 
3) what weighs more 3 baby elephants, or the amount of weed consumed in 3 years of greggs l...ife?
Answer: an elephant calf weighs roughly 250 lbs, times that by 3 and you get 750 lbs.  Greg on average smokes about an ounce every week, so there are 16 ounces in a lb which means he smoked a lb of weed every 16 weeks.  Therefore 52 weeks in a year/16 weeks per pound = 3.25 lbs he smokes in a year, which means the last 3 years hes smoked 9.75 lbs which isnt quite 750 lbs.  So the answer to your question is Gary Busey.


4) do you dissapoint?
 Answer: I am not homosex.

5) who is blacker, wesley snipes or John Coffe from the green mile?
Answer: N***A I GOTS DAT DRAWBRIDGE COCK.


6) who is worse, The guy from the state farm commercial OR (insert name of biggest female popstar).
Answer: As much as i wanna say the statefarm guy.....actually lemme tell you why i hate the statefarm guy.  The guy seems so fucking sheltered and naive, its almost like he doesnt believe that world hunger exists.  In fact, i wouldnt be surprised if his mom died when he was 12 and his dad told him she was on an extended vacation to some tropical island and is returning when he turns 50 years old.  Actually, i would be really surprised if he ever had his heart broken, had to pay for a meal, ever got cut off in traffic etc.  Its almost like this guy is living in a bubble in a cloud inside Jesus's womb.  But to answer your question, I despise Ke$ha more so.  Her music promotes ignorance, and I blame her for young teenage girls shopping at victoria secret.  In fact, having an ear for music production as I do, her voice is so heavily modified, if it wasnt for pitch correction software, she would not have a career.  She represents everything i hate within our society; she is the Mcdonald's of music, tastes good right away but then leaves you feeling regretful and unsatisfied and fat and stupid.





Funny Posters

When fifes and knoons just wont do......

So sexy spoon was at the bar by her lonesone, her friends pregamed with tequila so they were all getting crazy on the dance floor without her, she only had a couple bud light limes because she raged hard the night before. Constantly taking out her pocket mirror and fixing the lipstick that didnt need fixing, the lack of wastedness made her really self conscious, that is until a badass walked thru the door. That badass was a filterless cigarette smoking, harley davison riding steak knife. Now i dont know about you, but I believe in love at first sight, and when badass mr steak knife set his eyes on sexy spoon, it was nothing but. So steak knife, excuse me, Steak Knife (every badass shall always be referred to in caps) immediately made his way towards spoon, for he knew that she was alone and that the one ugly friend of hers wouldnt be there to cockblock him. It was in the bank; or so he thought. He went up to sexy spoon, who was all to busy swirling her hair nervously just waiting for Steak Knife to open up that serrated mouth of his and make her swoon in definitive cutlery bliss. Steak Knife said all the right things, as he had to hundreds of other spoons in weekends past. Everything was going perfectly, that is until Steak Knife put his sharp blade up against sexy spoons handle. Normally, spoons would not make a big deal over this but sexy spoon had something most other bar spoons didnt; dignity. So immediately after Steak Knife made his bold move, sexy spoon let out a scream. And who but to come to the rescue; Timid fucking fork. Timid fork is the antithesis of what one would think to be the type to step up against a monster. It was the classic David versus Goliath situation. However that night, a little voice inside timid fork's head said "hey pussy, you spent your entire adult life getting bullied around by knives and not getting spooned at all, do yourself a favor and change that." This revelation sparked the courage for timid fork to step up to Badass Knife.....and you know what timid fork did? Forked him up with one punch. All the lonely nights of crying into that spot on the side of the sink drain allotted for utensils was finally over, why do you think its always wet underneath that thing? Sexy spoon repaid timid fork all.....night......long (oh yeahhhhh). Being that timid fork was not used to spooning or forking or using protection, 9 months later a baby was born, and that baby was named spork. So now you know why every time you go into a taco bell drive thru you get a spork. But hey, if you think about it, it really is the best of both worlds. So thank you, Timid Fork, yes you do get caps because you produced something that is not only versatile, but also allows me to frantically switch between eating ice cream and salad at the same time if I ever needed to do so.



Funny Posters

A surreal vision....entering the land of blogosphere.

I never would have anticipated me joining the realm of the blog community, but hey, I once dressed up as a woman AFTER halloween was over, so you know i'm willing and able to try new things.  Tonight though I feel like writing a surreal short story, because hey, I can do whatever the fuck i want right lol.

Twas a cold winter night, asphalt glazed with a dark hued ice, mind intoxicated with the only legal substance allowed to cause said intoxication in our sovereign land, and a belly full of checkers chicken tenders.  Where this story is going, at this point you know just as well as I do, for it is a journey without destination; a wild goose chase of literature and prose.  My enchanted embarkation begins with me homeward bound, for as mentioned before the ice was black, modeling its image after the asphalt for which it covered, as if to be a solemn reminder that all it will ever be is underneath, trampled under other things more important than it.   As I fidget with the buttons on the console of my car, i manage to configure it to tune to an alternative rock and roll station, a mere echo of what K-Rock radio used to be, oh dear lord, why does taketh away from me mine audible ecstasy?  Moving forward, I managed to tune in right when the band Rush was playing, in my opinion said band is nothing spectacular, but entertainment nonetheless.  As I traverse down the beaten trail towards what is my house, I would be passing an intersection, but this intersection has an Emeril Lagasi, its got 'a kick' to it.  Let me explain; remember the black ice I mentioned, well this intersection was the Krispy Kreme glazing headquarters of black ice when the health inspector was visiting, and said inspector in reality was a cop ready to pull my ass over for just skidding thru a red light.  So as im giving my best audition for the winter olympics figure skating contest, ie me fishtailing thru a red light, the cop perpendicular to me must have been the judge, because he awarded me a solid 10, and due to his generosity he didnt pull me over, oh no, he moved forward judging other skating competitions at other intersections throughout the neighborhood.  So in hindsight, yes, I do think I am a lucky motherfucker because I could have easily spilt the open container of beer in my car as I was skidding, resulting in a less intoxicated state than I am now writing my virgin 'blog' entry.  On the other hand though, this is supposed to be surreal right? so nothing I say on this can be taken at face value, for its fiction.......boo ya.


Funny Peer Pressure

Tea Time with Treadmill

Fuck you Treadmill, you are a Treadmill and I am a boy and I don't like you Treadmill Faggot



Extreme Posters