Poker Face

So if youve been following along with these anecdotes then you know i just got a new awesome job.  My job is so awesome in fact that I have alot of down time because it doesnt have a large customer base yet, being that all the customers are gym members in a brand new gym and no one else.  When your brain is revving on 12 cylinders 24/7 youre constantly planning/analyzing/comprehending the future from all angles.  Being we hadnt had a customer in a good 15 minutes I decided to sit down and try to dig up some college stories for the show were writing from the recesses of my brain.  The one that came to mind to me today is when during our last year of college, I was watching the 'Poker Face' video because my room mate told me that Lady Gaga was 'hot' and that 'he was going to fuck her in a couple of years when he was famous.'  Now, the whole predicament with Lady Gaga is that she isnt 'love at first sight' good looking, but when you understand her genius then she becomes very good looking.  Yes, I just said Lady Gaga is a genius. Its apparent that every career move she does is very premeditated, calculated, and foremost, her lyrics have a sense of ambiguity when it comes to their meanings.  Rather than being the stereotypical pop star that only drives the point home that she wants to fuck every guy that walks in her lyrics, different people deduce different meanings in all of her songs.  The bottom line is I could spend 3 hours talking about why I respect her as an artist and a musician, but as always I have a completely fucked up and reprehensible story to tell.


So anyway going back to what my room mate said about Lady Gaga in my daydream, it gave me an ingenious idea, and from this point on I will tell it in terms of what I plan on doing.....

The following will be filmed and broadcasted summer 2011:  My college friends on occasion like to go to cougar bars, and im sure we all know what a cougar is.  The next time I hear about and get invited to go 'cougar hunting' I will probably say no, as ive done every last time ive been asked.  The reasons I turn these invites down is another topic for another day lol.  Anyway I will get all the details; the time/day/bar and then I will be there with them......not as one of the bros, but as a cougar.......=o? Just let me finish.  Ok so im sure youve all seen Mrs. Doubtfire, so you know the scene where Robin Williams gets turned into an old lady by that gay guy.  I plan on finding that guy, you know the same gay guy from 'Independence Day' who says on the phone in the movie something like "I pay $300 dollars an hour so you can put me through to my psychiatrist!" with a lisp in a fit of gay-rage.  So im gunna find this guy, im gunna have him turn me into a MILF cougar, and im gunna be there the night my friends plan on going.  Now, I got the cougar voice down perfectly, once I find the perfect BLOND wig and let that gay dude put on my makeup the way most gay makeup artists do, I have no doubt that I will be one of the sexiest cougars you will ever see.  I even think I would look something like Lady Gaga (idk I just think I would honestly).  I would make for one broad-shouldered broad, but knowing my friends this would not make an iota of difference, in fact I think I could pinpoint the one friend who would try to hit on me first.  So as this friend comes over and buys me a drink, Ill start saying some seductive shit to him, and the natural progression of past cougar nights from what Ive heard is the ending up with the bangage of these cougars in said cougar's Altima, or whatever small size sedan she's driving.  So the plan is to have him ask me to go into his car; I cant ask him to go into mine because my friends obviously know what my fucking car looks like lol.  When we get into his car, I will take out 'The Fame' cd and put it in, and select 'Poker Face' to come on, so as the songs playing and my friend is about to make a move on me, I will take off my wig and my makeup, and while hes staring at me in utmost repugnance and perturbation, im going to say "you sick.......sick fuck......", get out of the car and go home; knowing that I have this motherfucker in perpetual blackmail for the rest of my life.