I should begin by saying that I am a very peaceful person. Sure, if I need to 'take care of business', in whatever context you want to assume that it means, then I have no problem 'stepping up to the plate.' But yea, there are very few things that get under my skin, and the collective list of these items has dwindled over the years because as I grow older I try not to let certain things bother me. So to put it in perspective, you have to understand that as hard as ive tried to accept and justify why these things shouldnt bother me, they still do.....alot.
In no particular order of importance:
1. Red lights without sensors - I read somewhere that the average person spends about 6 months of their entire life sitting at red lights. The funny thing is, this isnt the reason why they bother me. The real reason is because half of the time when im sitting at a red light whilst the perpendicular lights are green, there are no vehicles utilizing said green lights. It truly is the epitome of a lose-lose situation; I'm literally sacrificing grains of sand in the hourglass of my life while NOTHING happens. Even if a fucking possum or opposum or however the fuck you spell that creature's name was crossing along with the green light, I wouldnt feel as bad, but now money to pay for the electricity to power these lights is going to waste because nothing is getting accomplished, all while my life is fading away. Its almost like high fiving a ghost; good effort, but you're still not gunna make skin to skin contact with it.
2. That stupid jingle at the end of those 'metro pcs' commercials - Every time I hear that fucking robot go "HELLO HeLlO hello" (that's how I type descending downward inflections) in his stupid monotone robot voice, i'm tempted to shoplift a Chinese kid. That jingle gets so DEEPLY under my skin, if moods were ranked on a scale of 1-10, and im typically somewhere around a 7 most of the time, then having to sit through those 5 seconds of brain circumcision drives me down to about a 3 for about half an hour until I hear Boston or some other worthy classic rock band on the radio that resets my state-of-mind. It really bothers me that there is a marketing team out there that thinks that this is ok. Its not. It really isnt. I hate you robot.
3. Old ladies that don't pre-cut their coupons or pre-count their change at grocery store lines - File this one under 'waste of time' also. I mean come on, what do old ladies do most of their day? They look at coupon books in the newspaper while simultaneously keeping basic cable channels drone obnoxiously loud in the background. Oh, and they also plan on what they're going to make for dinner a week and a half in advance. Listen, I love old ladies, but come on now, its time to get your shit together. Rather than take the trek to King Kullen that's literally half a mile away without preparing your coupons or counting your pennies, why don't you upgrade your priorities by just a tad, and have these things ready to go once all your items are rang up? I'm right behind you on line, fidgeting with my 20 gallons of water that I purchase weekly, and Im meticulously eye-fucking your not-so-perfectly cut coupons because I just want to get home and play with my digimon cards. That's all I want to do old ladies. But your incompetent and nonchalant attitude that everything moves gracefully at a snail's pace doesn't work for the rest of us. Sorry! =(
4. Rogue erections - You wanna know how I know that if there is a god that he has a sense of humor? Because only then would he bless me with 'gifts' when it isnt even my birthday or christmas. Like ok, it takes me a good 15 minutes to get into that badass-biker-gang-member mentality mode prior to embarking on my daily trip to the gym to get myself through another ridiculous workout or crazy long run. But no, right as im pulling into the gym parking lot for whatever reason ill start getting a hard-on and its literally so frustrating that i start punching the windshield. Nothing kills the warrior mindset like knowing that you're going to have to wait an extra 3 minutes while also having a slide-show of pre-made 'boner killer' thoughts ready to flood your mind; Will Ferrell telling you you're gay, changing Fidel Castro's diaper on an airplane, imaging your best friend sleeping with the girl you like, a chair in front of a green screen (idk why but it works), anything Food Channel, Renee Zellwigger, etc.....you get the point.
5. Contemporary pop music - The gym I work at plays all pop music, and for someone who rarely if ever listens to it without being forced to, it makes me despise it even more. I know im preaching to the choir here, but does literally EVERY single song have to be derivative of another and have to be about some form of love, break-ups, and/or sex? I know that somewhere/sometime in a record executive meeting these words were spoken....."wait a second, every human has something in common; human-to-human relationships! so if we manufacture songs about sex, relationships, or break-ups, then EVERYONE can relate to it!.....and we will sell even MORE records!" It really disappoints me when someone I respect tells me they like pop music who's over the age of 18, because its so blatantly obvious that its not even music, its just a product, and that it doesn't take much analysis to realize this. The fact that I have this garbage pumped into my ears for 8-10 hours at a time really burns my biscuits.
im going to constantly update this with more items as i think of them so check back often.
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