Really happened? You be the judge.

So it was a mid July day in 09' and I was probably up to my normal summer shenanigans.  At that time I think I was scheming to to open up my own Valentines day store that put a layer of chocolate over your entire body and then hand cart you to your significant other's house with a love letter taped to the chocolate.  Or I could have been trying to start my own line of bacon scented cologne.  Who knows, I digress.  Anyway, I had plans to go out and get hammered for the 876th night in a row when 'low self esteem girl' texted me that she wanted to hangout, and you all know what that means.  Now if you know me, you know my philosophy; if you get hungry and dont eat, you die, if youre thirsty and you dont drink, you die, if your horny and you dont have sex, you melt like the wicked witch of the west, oh wait, no you dont.  As I was debating, what I remember clearly was that on that particular day it was 100 degrees outside so i must have pounded at least 2 liters of water, oh wait, im not in fucking Europe, it was 2 gallons of water.  So for whatever reason i decided to let low self esteem girl come over and watch a movie and lead up to having that generic conversation you have with a girl you have nothing in common with before you hookup with her.  You know what im talking about, she starts complaining about her job, or her dog or her parents and you nod her to death until she says something like "dont you see what i mean" and then you snap outta your daydream and go "OH yea, right, definitely."  So anyway in preparation for her coming over, i popped two of my dad's viagras, cuz if you know what happened in 05' you know about that road trip story with the wild boars and the quakers, and how it led up to my dick not working properly.  So im all juiced up and ready to go, and she comes by around 8, we 'watch a movie' and then by force of nature I put on the classic Dolph Lungren move where i look her in the eyes and say in that Russian accent 'I will break you', it works 100% of the time.  So as we conjoined mouths I slickly take my itunes remote and put on some kid rock to really set the mood.  All of a sudden, her phone rings, she picks up, its her sister saying her dog is overheated and that she thinks something bad might happen.  Immediately, she expects the worst as most girls do, says shes gotta go home and leaves.  So now im sitting in my room with a rock hard erection, been holding in 2 gallons of piss and all my friends are already out.

The moral of the story?  Dont take viagra if your not gunna get laid, or else youre gunna have to jerk off just to take a piss.

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